Logic VS Heart

Dearest God,
Since last weekend, i had been letting my hearts take over my head again..
Im wondering.. am i such a weakling?
I see how my friends... moved on with their life after the break up..
They are doing good.. some of them even found themselves new partners d..
And some of them are even younger than me.. Take for example, vero?
And somehow or rather.. i feel ashamed of myself..

There are times when i look at myself and think am getting better each day..
Am getting prettier, i have more friends now, i have many activities nowadays... and am closer to God now..
And thats is it when i think straight cleverly with my LOGIC…

But.. if my HEART happens to pop into the picture,
again all the thought of getting better are just lies...
and i will let thought about Firman comes in all over me again...and tears will just drop again..

Am thinking, how to prevent my heart from winning over my head?
Is there any way? i used to think that am smart in my many ways..
In fact, I think I am.. in terms of career and studies, am pretty confident that am smart..
But!!!! When it comes to relationship matters, i sucks to the max... realli..

These 3 days, after the long ride, i had been immersing in thoughts that i cant explain..
I talked to my 2 cousins.. nenek n nonik and they are angry with me..
But I knew, deep down, they do understand what I had been going thru..
They scolded me.. pissed off with me cos of my stubborn self..
I guess it’s the same when David n Gang pissed off with me during the long ride..

I dunno how Firman is doin now.. Is he doing good? Is he with Anita d?
Im scared.. actually am scared.. wad will happen to me if they are really together d?
Will I be able to take it? I dunno.. I had been askin myself this question.. many2 times..

Sometimes, I try to console myself by saying.. Its ok.. Anita is a gud gal, and yeah Firman is in good hands… and I shall be happy for them if they really got together… I tried to convinced myself.. Over a million times, trillion times, zillion times that I should be happy.. cos one of my wishes since then is to see him happy.. but keep that consoling aside, can I really accept it?

Many many people tells me.. dun need to know about Firman d.. just treat as if he is dead… Even when people tell me things about him, dun listen as well… then I wun be hurt and keep thinking about him. But the fact is, even when nobody tells me about him… when I heard no news about him.. he is always there.. deep in my heart.. How I wanna pretend that he is not there, but the fact is he is there…

In my prayer everynite.. every morning.. he is always been part of it.. I remembered Cha2 said.."Ya ampun ciiiiiiiii... cici masi doain si Firman?"
and i just smiled at her.. i think, cha2 might think that am the dumb girl.. but i know she is a nice gal.. someone so genuine.. so sincere..and i enjoy talking to her..
Though sometimes, she is blak2an.. but she is a lil angel.. and innocent gal... she is just like a lil sis like Vero...

Lotsa people aso tell me that, there are many other guys who are much better than Firman.. and i shouldn’t be blinded just looking at Firman and forsake
those who are around me... Many people tell me that i deserve someone better... someone who really know how to cherish me.. and there are these people who appears in my life now.. a few of them actually.. but i just cant seem to open my heart to them...

Dearest God,
What is your plan for me? I believe you have a plan for me.. can i just move on like how Firman did?
Sometimes I wonder how he can just forget me so fast.. and move on so fast? But I guess, I will never get the answer..

One side of me, I wish i can hate him.. and maybe it will be easier for me to let go of him..
But Dearest God, you taught me not to hate... im puzzled..

And on another side of me.. Im actually thankful to him... for all the beautiful memories.. that I’m still in love with him..
and maybe that’s the reason why im still holding back..

Sometimes, i do think, should i just broke down these walls that i had been building these months?
Should i just accept someone new in my life.. and maybe it will help me to forget about Firman?
But should it be that way? These people who wanna love me and care for me.. will i just be making use of them to forget Firman..
I thought.. tats the very salah way.. but, many people said, sometimes, it does help...

I just hope.. and pray hard that.. I will be okay God.. i know i will.. cos i know that you have ur plans in me..
Maybe i just haven see it.. maybe i just haven understand..

Lead me thru this God.. lead me to the best plan that you have for me.. cos in Your hands.. I lie my live..