Am i pushing myself too hard?

Im not well.. my head is spinning like hell.. my body is aching like hell.. but am i pushing myself too hard? Yest, i still manage to go to Cell.. pray for awhile.. it helps me though to calm down a bit but after cell, when im home.. i was like.. damn.. again lie on my bed and just sleep.

Today, i have lotsa of activity gg on again.. Misa indo at 3.30 and then follow up with making of video with anak2.. and steamboating? I guess i will just go to misa, make the video for vera then go home today.

Yesterday, only ko yudhi know that am not feeling well in the cell.. Koko asked why am i pushing myself so hard? if am nt feeling, i can just rest at home.. and i was stuck.. i didnt know how to answer.. i told koko, cell made me feel closer to God and i realli need it now..

Then Koko just said "You are realli pushing yourself too hard". It triggers to think.. why everyone is telling me that am pushing myself too hard.. i had been numbing myself from getting myself busy with all things.. from outings.. from works.. from studies and from exercising.. yeah u heard it rite exercising.. i had been playing tennis and gym in office..

And also.. since i join KTM, i become so much closer to God.. and am realli thankful that God comes into my life again.. Now i always feels that i miss His presence.. and am happy with all the acitivities that i had been joining with KTM. All the prayer session.. workshops.. Realli am thankful.. I wanna be close to God.. I want him close in my life.. and i feel that my life is so much better since then.. and now, weekend is like for Cell.. and Church.. ^^

Why am i pushing myself so hard? i dunno whether am pushing myself hard.. but i thought my life is better now.. i live for myself.. as in.. yeah maybe i changed.. but, i know i change into a better me.. i had been slacking.. had been acting like a walking zombie for the past few weeks.. Everyone who see me.. will see me as if am someone with no soul.. someone who will cry.. anytime anywhere, everytime i miss firman..someone who blamed God for giving her all the tests in her life at the same time.. but the Angela now is someone, i think is better.. who knows how to be thankful and look at things in different angle..

I dun deny that i will still miss Firman.. i dun deny tat.. i dun deny that i still feel the pain... i dun deny tat feeling for firman is still as strong.. i dun deny tat i still hope one day, i can see him again.. all these i cant deny..though he is gone, but he is still deep in my heart, tats the thing i know for sure.. but no point for me to keep stopping myself to bring out the best in me right? i mean one day, if he sees me again.. if he will ever remember me again, i want him to be proud of me..

All along, i believe i has been capable.. God gave me the ways.. give me the power, give me the talents to be capable and i cant just let it down like that. i will show to everybody that Angela can do it.. and one day, if Firman sees me again.. i hope he will smile.. n be proud of me.. i remembered he said, if i changed into someone better, he will look for me again.. Though seriously, i dun hope for that cos he had been blocking me everywhere but i do hope.. one day, i can still see him.. especially in his graduation day.. tats the promise i made to myself long long time ago.. "If one day, i happen to break up with Firman before his graduation, during his graduation, i will just see him from far" and i will do tat..

Many people might nt understand what am i doing now.. they might think tat am pushing myself too hard.. but people, one day u all will understand.. why Angela is doing all these? Am happy that am close to God again.. tat am sure.. Am happy that i start to love myself again.. Am happy that for the moments, Mom and Dad is happy again to see their cheerful daughter who had gone back to God..

And another thing is, i dun try to act strong and hide any feelings nemore.. Yest in cell, Ko yudhi said, ada yg mo didoain aapa2 ga? then aku bilang.. "Iya Ko...doain mantan aku biar examnya lancar2 aja.. kekna bentar lagi final exam" and everybody is surprised cos i use the word mantan. but i think Koko understand wad i meant.. then di doa penutup, everyone of us, prayed for Firman. Isnt it nice? I realli hope, Firman can graduate soon.. n make his family proud..
And u know, the feeling of saying it out? its nice.. i dun hide anymore feeling..

Acting to be strong.. hiding all the feelings is dumb.. and its something i realised recently.. to solve all those, i have to face them.. not to run from it... I hope, Firman is doing fine now as well..

I love you bb.. tat i dun wanna hide nemore.. no matter what had happened, i love you. Though i might not be in ur heart nemore, u r still there every mins and secs in my life... and yeah.. let me love you k.. from far.. tats all am asking for.. n one day, if u see the Angela again.. i hope u will just smile at me.. ^^