Again.. am taken aback..

This morning i wake up.. i saw my skype.. n i realised.. i was blocked by Firman.. i dunno why.. dunno why he did that.. i didnt disturb him nemore.. had been long long time since i last talk to him.. i didnt know why he did that..

I was taken aback again.. wad wrong had i done? did he need to do that to me? having me in his communication tools realli is so hard is it? i dunno.. i cried.. i prayed.. i looked at my skype and dunno wad to say...

I saw his nick something like.. "Only you have the power to make me smile and mourn at the same time".. i knew tat nick is for her... n yeah.. after that he blocked me.. n forever in my skype.. i will have his contact lidat...

why? a hundreds.. thousands.. millions of why is turning round and around my head.. the why(s) that i will never get my answers... It hurts.. realli.. i didnt know why.. if i disturb him then maybe i can understand why he did tat but.. am not nemore.. though i dun deny i missed him.. but i didnt have the courage to talk to him at all..

Why life must be so hard for me? i dunno.. i realli dunno.. everytime, when i wanna start standing up.. there must be things that pulls me down again.. in fact, i shouldnt be bother with this nemore... if i wanna think positively.. maybe he is just helping me to get over n move on fast.. but should this be the way?

N why didnt he change his nick.. just after he blocked me?? why must he changed it before he blocked me n left my skype with his lovely nick for other person... now everytime i log into my skype.. i will see him in grey question mark..

I shouldnt be crying.. i shouldnt be sad nemore.. but why are tears still flowing out from my eyes? n down my cheek? i dunno.. sometimes, i feel that im the dumbest gal in the world.. i told dd albert.. i felt stupid n dumb.. but dd told me.. its just becos i love him sincerely..

"Cc bukan bodoh.. tp itu karena cc sayank dia dengan tulus dan benerna tuh cc musti bangga cc bisa kek gt.. karena seberapa banyak org yg bs bener2 sayank seseorang dengan tulus di zaman skrg ini"

I tot.. i used to be proud of myself too.. im proud that im always faithful to Firman.. proud that am nt easily won over by other guys.. cos i know.. Firman is all tat i want.. but now.. i cant help myself but to feel dumb..

But i heard, he had been going to church these days.. rosary.. n i tot tat is something very very good.. and in fact, am happy to hear tat.. cos last time, everytime i ask him to go to church.. he will never want it...

I remembered cha2 told me few days back.. that Firman told her that actually he doesnt want it to end as if both of us are enemies.. i thoought.. i never treat him as my enemy.. maybe sometimes i do curse and swear but i know my heart can never hate him... or even blame him?

He also told cha2 that its ok if i still wanna look for him as a fren.. just pure fren.. but tat time after broke up.. i still asked abt the past.. thinking back.. it was just 1 week after we broke up.. how was i able to just treat him as a normal frenz.. while feeling for him was so strong.. maybe i was wrong... while sometimes when we talked n i talked abt my niece, he would still say much pao2? he forgotten it? maybe i was wrong tat time.. by talking to him mentioning our past but it was realli just 1 week after we broke up n i remembered.. tat was the last time i talked to him as well..

I tot.. its ok tat he didnt add me in msn.. didnt add me in fb... i tot its enuff to have his skype.. if u notice, although i have his skype.. i never call him at all.. cos i know am nt ready.. n tendency of me talking abt us is still very high.. but i tot.. one day, when im able to adjust myself d.. it would be nice to say Hi again to him.. but i guess.. there is no chance at all nemore...

Or is it becos.. he already have a new gal.. n the new gal dont wish him to get in touch with me.. but i remembered.. he promised.. tat he will still contact me no matter wad.. tat am the significant one?? was tat aso a lie?

Dear God,
Is this the way u want us to be? No contact at all.. no communication channel at all? even if one day.. we meet in the midst of street.. should i just treat him as a stranger? someone who i dunno at all...? I dunno.. I realli hope.. i can hear his voice again one day.. will it be a miracle? :)

Dear God,
Give me strength.. give me faith.. give me strength to think that i should be happy now.. cos the one i truly loved.. had found his happiness.. blessed me with the strength o lord.. bless me.. :)