Jakarta..

Am here in Jakarta now.. blogging from far away from singapore..

Today, am so happy to see my family again.. my aunties.. uncle.. cousins.. nieces.. nephews.. n of cos my beloved brother.. realli so happy..

N today, hendri surprised me.. by sending me all the way to jkt.. he book a ticket and send me to JKT and take later flight back to sg.. Im touched.. i mean, its kind sweet rite? :) Initially when i checked in, he still wave goodbye with me with nicko.. but then, while i was waiting at the boarding room, he suddenly tap my shoulder and said hi..

He told me to had lotsa of fun in Indo.. take sometimes away from everything.. from him, from david, from firman.. everything and maybe i can think better this way.. maybe i can made a decision when i am back to sg again..

But today, is realli a fruitful day for me.. its nice to have ur family around u.. its nice to have a lil surprise.. I just hope when am back to sg, everything will be fine again..

Thanks God for today... :)

:)

I did a good job yesterday... Press conference for uKimono was smooth.. from the stage, the sound system, the food, the press, everything was good. I was proud.. i thanks God.. for blessing the event..

Hendri.. D.. Nicko.. Yandi... Susan.. Was there to see the press conference.. i didnt manage to entertain them but, they were there supporting.. Im glad that my friends come to support.. Im glad when they smsed me that they are proud of me.. looking at how the press con was run..

Bb.. i wish u r here.. i think u would be proud as well.. I cried after the press con was done.. i think, this is the greatest achievement that i have ever done in my job.. how i wish.. tat u can see this b.. but i know.. u dun bother nemore... Im silly.. Remembering wad you used to tell me that nite, n thought and wishing that it can still be true but bb.. it was just all dream... i know.. cos u have someone else by your side now...

You used to say.. if one day, you see that i change for better.. i become someone good, you will look at me again.. but bb, will u realli do that? or you were saying that just to make me stop crying then and dont do anything silly? I guessed so...

After the press con, i sit in front of the stage for very long... i dunno wad i was thinking.. i just sat there for very long.. looking at the job tat i had done.. i smiled.. but i cried as well.. Then i look aboove.. then i saw the guys standing there.. D and Hen smiled at me and give me the thumbs up.. the smile.. that made me broke into tears.. i guess the two of them.. are the one who realli know what i had been thru.. then they came down.. Hen gave me a lil doll... Susan gave me a hug... D gave me a lil gratz cards.. At that time... i feel that am fortunate.. Although Bb cant be there.. i still have all these great friends who are there.. but i cant help myself from missing his presence though..

I think, Hen and D realised that.. Hen gave me a hug... and whisper this to my ear... "Everything gonna be okay yah... Inget elow masi ada banyak org yg care n sayang ama kamu, am proud of you.."... I was stunned... I look at him.. and force a smile.. I know they are proud of me.. i know, me too am proud of myself but.. something is just missing.. something that nothing can replace it for now..

And yeah.. after that we went to the 933 hits award.. i cried a lot there.. especially when the artist sings the sad2 song that reminds me of you bb.. i cant help myself.. i keep telling myself.. that you are gone.. but i cant help myself from missing your presence..

Today.. i gonna set off to Jakarta.. another place full of memories but.. i think i gotta get out of Singapore for sometimes first.. go to another place to really build myself up again.. cos i know deep down.. i still feel the pain.. n cos of tat nitemares keep haunting me.. i was awaken again by the cruel nitemare.. This is the 3rd nite.. Nitemares are back haunting me again..

Dearest God,
Thank you for everything yesterday... that everything ran smoothly.. i know You are always around me.. You are the one who never abandon me.. :)

Aku..

Aku sekarang nulis ini blog dengan hati yg berat.. dak tau napo.. aku pengen nangis tapi air mata dak biso netes sama sekali...

Skrg lagi ado di kantor.. kerjaan masi banyak tapi otak dah dak biso jalan.. Si hendri ama nicko lagi di atas ngegym.. kalo misalna mrk turun gek liat aku kek begini pasti bakal sedih lagi.. apalagi hendri..

kemaren malem.. dio omonk panjang lebar ama aku... talk some sense ke aku biar aku bs lebi kuat n stuff lidat.. aku jg janji.. kalo aku bakal mau coba buat jalanin semuanya dengan senyuman.. bakal coba lupain.. bakal mau jadi Ngela yg orang2 bs banggain..

Dio ado bilang.. itu takes time.. n aku dak usa terlalu push myself.. tapi aku dah dak kuat kek begini trus... mo mpe kapan aku kek begini... aku kadang nanya diri aku dewek.. emank salah aku dimano.. aku slama ama dio cuman pengen yg terbae buat dio.. tp napo.. aku digetoin.. itu jawaban yg aku dak bakal dapetin.. n iyo... dah keadaannya kek begini, napo aku masi bs sayang ama dia? apo aku tuh butooo beneren? ato aku cuman nak boonkin diri aku dewek trus? aku dak tau... tapi aku dak bs ngelak.. kalo aku masi sayang..

Tiap kale aku ngeraso aku bengak.. hendri, dapid etc pasti bilang.. aku benerna bukan bengak tapi aku cuman live in denial.. n benerna sayangku aku ke dio yg bikin mrk salud ama aku.. kalo aku tuh kl sayang ama org tuh emank tulus...

Ari2 ini.. sebenerna untung ado hendri.. dio biso tenangin aku dengan berbagai cara yg bs dia pikirin...dio dak nguber2 aku kek si david.. n aku sebenerna comfie ama dio.. tapi.. aku dak biso nerima.. buat skrg aku dak biso... aku tau pasti nian hati aku cuman ado di firman skrg..

Tuhan, berkatin aku.. Biar aku tidak berada di lobang kegelapan ini lama.. aku pengen ngeliat Terangmu Tuhan... :)

yeah.. here comes nitemare...

Aku kebangun gara2 nitemare ga jelas.. look at the time now is 6.31am .. damn it!! aku ari ini masi ada long day to go... aku kenapa sich.. jadi betenya setengah mati..

Aku mimpiin dia ama annita.. bodoh ga sich.. gara2 1 mimpi ga jelas gt bisa screwed me up like this.. tp.. aku benci.. aku jadi benci semuanya...

Kenapa sich sayang aam org tuh sesusah itu?? napa sich mo tulus sayang ama org tuh sesusah itu.. aku tuhhhh dah ga mo mikirin.. dah mo gmana2 tapi kenapa slalu nitemare datenk menghampiri aku..

Bb.. kalo kau mo seneng2... apa kau tuh dak do raso sama sekali kalo aku disini mungkin bakal ngerasa sakid ato apo?? aku tau kau dak pernah mikirin perasaan aku lagi.. begona aku kalo aku mikir kalo kau masi mikirin aku.. tp 3.5 taon bener2 dak do apo2 yo buat kau..

Aku bukan nak lemah.. tp.. kau beneren dah lupa semuanya yo... semuanya termasuk ""? dengan senang hati kau kasi tau org2 kau uda jadian.. apa kau dak pernah mikir.. kabar itu datang ke aku dengan secepet itu??? tanpa aku nanyo be.. ado yg kasi tau aku hal2 ttg kau.. kau tau dak!

Kadang2.. aku tuh pengen dak peduliin kau sama sekali.. kau nak mati kek.. nak idup kek.. tp aku dak biso.. tau dak aku dak biso!!! aku biso be dak mo dengerin apo2 lg ttg kau.. tp biso yo kau kalo kau sayank ama org itu, kau dak pengen tau keadaan dio gimano.. n skrg yg aku tau apo.. kau dah seneng2 ama cewe laen.. setelah dak lama putus ama aku...

Kau ebad b.. beneren ebad bisa bikin aku mpe kek begini.. aku tuh mpe mikir.. apa aku tuh jadian be.. jadi aku dak bakal mikirin kau lagi tp aku dak biso.. disekeliling aku tuh banyak cowo2 yg gi ngejer aku tp dak bisa means dak biso.. aku dak ngerti napo tp.. :)

Aku pengen kau bahagia.. aku dak ngelak.. aku coba accept the fact kalo kau tuh dah bukan punya aku.. n kau skrg dah bahagia nian ama annita..

aku bukan apo2 lagi.. cuman seorang cewe bego yg masi sayangin kau.. yg kangenin kau kek org bego.. i wish u happiness despite all the grumbles... :)

Should i end this blog?

Ermm... the question today is.. should i end my blog now...?

Firman n Annita is confirmed together d.. and..yeah.. should be happily together.. I dun have the strength.. to keep thinking about it because it will get me to nowhere..I cried.. i did last nite.. till i didnt sleep.. the whole nite..but.. i think maybe its enuff? im silly enuff to love someone who dun love me nemore.. someone who can forget a 3.5 years relationship in a week.. i dun understand why am i still in love..

I heard.. dia nembak si annita di kamarnya.. n ada sebagian dari tembokna tuh penuh dengan poto2 annita..How sweet it is huh?? Firman yg skrg is totally diff from last time..Aku denger juga dia mo dibaptis jadi katolik.. Tuhan, akhirna kamu memanggil dia juga.. Sebenernya aku seneng.. akhirna dia bs settle down.. dari dolo aku dun have the power buat dia berubah sama sekali.. dari ngokar.. ajakin dia ke gereja, etc etc.. semuanya aku ga pernah bisa..

Sebenerna.. kata semua orang.. aku tuh aturanna seneng.. karena org yg aku sayank tuh dah seneng.. aku seneng benernya di satu sisi... tp.. di satu sisinya lagi. aku ga bisa boonk kalo aku juga sakid.. aku dak bisa boonk.. kalo misalna, hati aku sakid dan sedih.. tp trust me.. ada rasa seneng juga dalem hati ini.. karena bs liat dia tersenyum n ketawa..

Aku sayank dia Tuhan.. n dak tau mpe kapan aku bakal sayank ama dia Tuhan.. aku dak salah kan buat sayank ama dia? Aku mikir Tuhan, apa aku musti membuka hati aku ini juga Tuhan biar aku bisa terima kebaikan yg mungkin dah Kau berikan untukku. Kebaikan kebaikan yg tlah Tuhan berikan.. mungkin aku belon bisa liat.. apa sebenerna aku sudah melihat tapi aku yg keras kepala tidak mau menerima kebaikan2 ini..

Tuhan... Ampuni aku yg masi meragukan kebaikan Engkau. Ampuni aku yg masi meragukan semuanya yg tlah Tuhan perbuat. Tuhan ampuni aku..

Berikanlah jalan buat aku Tuhan... Kuatkanlah hati aku Tuhan.. Ajarin aku untuk tidak meragukan jalanMu lagi Tuhan... Ajarin aku jadi seorang yg baik dan kuat.. Di kala kegumulan menimpa aku, berikanlah terangMu Tuhan biar aku bisa melihat dan mengerti segala keajaiban yg ada dalam hidup ini..

Tuhan, berkatilah Firman n Annita,... emang ga gampangg buat aku untuk berkata demikian.. tp Tuhan, aku bakal coba.. buat nerima dengan hati yg lapang.. karena aku tau.. Kamu ada disampingku.. bagaimanapun juga, Engkau ga bakal tinggalin aku.. dan aku mau pecaya kalau Tuhan ada rencana yg lebi baik untuk aku..

Tuhan, kamu hidup dalam hidup aku.. dan terima kasi Tuhan dah memanggilku kembali ke pangkuanmu.. Aku sayang Kamu Tuhan.. :)

I love you b...

Sorry i didnt blog for quite sometimes d... i was out most of the times with parties n gatherings..
this week had been so hectic.. very much that i dun have much time for myself... but i feel hollow inside..

With so much gatherings.. so much parties.. it seems that my life is so happening.. but its not at all.. i feel the emptiness that nobody would imagine but its blessed that i feel happy and realli happy when i was doing cell n do prayer workshops.. thats the only times when i feel realli happy.. Thanks Lord...

Anw, Hendri had told me that he thinks that he fell for me.. and he and D had talked it out that they gonna fight it out fair and square.. wadever my decision is in the end, it wun affect their friendship... but he said, no rush at all.. he understand wad i had been thru.. and he dun want to give any pressure.. just treat him like how i used to treat him.. and so far after his confession, he didnt realli give me much pressure like D and i realli appreciate it..

Im thinking, why would so many guys coming around in my life now? D, Hendri, Nicky, Steve etc etc... but the one am thinking and love is the one dun love me nemore? its realli ironic... despite all the activities, the emptiness i feel inside is cos.. am hoping that bb is around.. am i silly?

I miss you bb.. had been weeks and months that i didnt talk to u.. n i dunno wads going on with u.. i know.. there will be many many more months to go.. or maybe for the rest of my life, i wun be able to see or even hear your voice again but baby.. im missing u.. badly..

I know u will be angry that i didnt move on.. but.. am moving on... my works, studies, church, everything is okay.. but.. i cant force myself to love someone else.. i dunno why this time round, i cant make myself to try and fall in love with him.. and i just cant.. cos i know, my heart still belong to you..

Though.. u had broken mine into pieces.. n all shattered... though u dun love me nemore, dun look at me nemore.. but bb, im here still.. loving n missing u.. if one day, u happen to look back.. IF.. u know, im here... do remember what i promised you that nite.. I love u bb..

....

I think.. am in somekind of situation now.. Uhm.. D and Hendri had been acting very weird..
I realised, D had been quiet for the past few days and i thought is because that he is still pissed off over what had happened last weekend. Then, here comes Hendri who is starting to care so much abt me... and again initially, i thought is because he just care as a fren, seeing how depressed i was last weekend...

Then today, Hendri signed up a plurk,...am not surprise because he had been saying that for the longest time. but his plurk is starting to get me confuse..n then D's plurk aso..D said sumthing like.. how does it feel if you and your best pal fall for the same gal?
I asked Hen but he doesnt want to tell me as well.. wth.. am confused..I think.. maybe.. Hen and D fall for me at the same time?Im confused...

I know abt D.. but Hendri? since when? he has been the jayus guy ever.. who always like to tease me when i pose for picture but why the hell?I dunno wad is going on.. it might just be my thought and seriously..i realli hope that its nt happening...D himself is already hard for me to deal with.. pls dun add another hen.. why cant we just be frenz.. cos they know, my mind is still with firman..

n yeah.. last nite, i broke down to tear tears again.. i saw this pic of firman n frenz.. have vero, amek, selwyn, anita in the pic. n guess wad, firman was wearing a formal shirt which i later found out from vero is becos, its a wedding mass.. seeing him doing so well, so handsome, n be in the church again.. i thought i should be happy.. but i dunno why i broke into tears and cry again... maybe cos, anita is inside? or is it becos, i feel useless cos since last time, i cant get him to church? Asking to church is like forcing him to die? i dunno...

Like i said before, i told myself zillion times that i should be happy that he is happy now.. but my heart is in painful state.. cos i know, im nt the one who makes him happy.. i broke down.. realli broke down to tears.. webcaming with nenek, cried like a mad dog.. but yeah... its painful..

Life had been so confusing for me right now.. i wish, i can be stronger.. i realli wish.. maybe, i should just delete my fb.. delete my plurk.. becos, its one of the source of my confusion.. like the picture? it just happened to show up in my fb live feeds.. and yeah it brought me down.. I dunno,.. i think i should just pull myself up again..

Anw, Vero told me, she is not moving on as well.. when i thought she is okay d.. she plurked me and said.. she is not as well.. n it strucked me.. but wadever it is.. i hope she is fine... with amek n firman looking after her there, i guess she should be doing okay.. i know it must be hard for her as well.. imagine, you flip thru someone u love' fb and see him hugging another gal? i think i will go berzerk.. but have faith lil sis.. i know u can do it.. we both jia you to get over thru this together... *hugz*