....

I think.. am in somekind of situation now.. Uhm.. D and Hendri had been acting very weird..
I realised, D had been quiet for the past few days and i thought is because that he is still pissed off over what had happened last weekend. Then, here comes Hendri who is starting to care so much abt me... and again initially, i thought is because he just care as a fren, seeing how depressed i was last weekend...

Then today, Hendri signed up a plurk,...am not surprise because he had been saying that for the longest time. but his plurk is starting to get me confuse..n then D's plurk aso..D said sumthing like.. how does it feel if you and your best pal fall for the same gal?
I asked Hen but he doesnt want to tell me as well.. wth.. am confused..I think.. maybe.. Hen and D fall for me at the same time?Im confused...

I know abt D.. but Hendri? since when? he has been the jayus guy ever.. who always like to tease me when i pose for picture but why the hell?I dunno wad is going on.. it might just be my thought and seriously..i realli hope that its nt happening...D himself is already hard for me to deal with.. pls dun add another hen.. why cant we just be frenz.. cos they know, my mind is still with firman..

n yeah.. last nite, i broke down to tear tears again.. i saw this pic of firman n frenz.. have vero, amek, selwyn, anita in the pic. n guess wad, firman was wearing a formal shirt which i later found out from vero is becos, its a wedding mass.. seeing him doing so well, so handsome, n be in the church again.. i thought i should be happy.. but i dunno why i broke into tears and cry again... maybe cos, anita is inside? or is it becos, i feel useless cos since last time, i cant get him to church? Asking to church is like forcing him to die? i dunno...

Like i said before, i told myself zillion times that i should be happy that he is happy now.. but my heart is in painful state.. cos i know, im nt the one who makes him happy.. i broke down.. realli broke down to tears.. webcaming with nenek, cried like a mad dog.. but yeah... its painful..

Life had been so confusing for me right now.. i wish, i can be stronger.. i realli wish.. maybe, i should just delete my fb.. delete my plurk.. becos, its one of the source of my confusion.. like the picture? it just happened to show up in my fb live feeds.. and yeah it brought me down.. I dunno,.. i think i should just pull myself up again..

Anw, Vero told me, she is not moving on as well.. when i thought she is okay d.. she plurked me and said.. she is not as well.. n it strucked me.. but wadever it is.. i hope she is fine... with amek n firman looking after her there, i guess she should be doing okay.. i know it must be hard for her as well.. imagine, you flip thru someone u love' fb and see him hugging another gal? i think i will go berzerk.. but have faith lil sis.. i know u can do it.. we both jia you to get over thru this together... *hugz*

Logic VS Heart

Dearest God,
Since last weekend, i had been letting my hearts take over my head again..
Im wondering.. am i such a weakling?
I see how my friends... moved on with their life after the break up..
They are doing good.. some of them even found themselves new partners d..
And some of them are even younger than me.. Take for example, vero?
And somehow or rather.. i feel ashamed of myself..

There are times when i look at myself and think am getting better each day..
Am getting prettier, i have more friends now, i have many activities nowadays... and am closer to God now..
And thats is it when i think straight cleverly with my LOGIC…

But.. if my HEART happens to pop into the picture,
again all the thought of getting better are just lies...
and i will let thought about Firman comes in all over me again...and tears will just drop again..

Am thinking, how to prevent my heart from winning over my head?
Is there any way? i used to think that am smart in my many ways..
In fact, I think I am.. in terms of career and studies, am pretty confident that am smart..
But!!!! When it comes to relationship matters, i sucks to the max... realli..

These 3 days, after the long ride, i had been immersing in thoughts that i cant explain..
I talked to my 2 cousins.. nenek n nonik and they are angry with me..
But I knew, deep down, they do understand what I had been going thru..
They scolded me.. pissed off with me cos of my stubborn self..
I guess it’s the same when David n Gang pissed off with me during the long ride..

I dunno how Firman is doin now.. Is he doing good? Is he with Anita d?
Im scared.. actually am scared.. wad will happen to me if they are really together d?
Will I be able to take it? I dunno.. I had been askin myself this question.. many2 times..

Sometimes, I try to console myself by saying.. Its ok.. Anita is a gud gal, and yeah Firman is in good hands… and I shall be happy for them if they really got together… I tried to convinced myself.. Over a million times, trillion times, zillion times that I should be happy.. cos one of my wishes since then is to see him happy.. but keep that consoling aside, can I really accept it?

Many many people tells me.. dun need to know about Firman d.. just treat as if he is dead… Even when people tell me things about him, dun listen as well… then I wun be hurt and keep thinking about him. But the fact is, even when nobody tells me about him… when I heard no news about him.. he is always there.. deep in my heart.. How I wanna pretend that he is not there, but the fact is he is there…

In my prayer everynite.. every morning.. he is always been part of it.. I remembered Cha2 said.."Ya ampun ciiiiiiiii... cici masi doain si Firman?"
and i just smiled at her.. i think, cha2 might think that am the dumb girl.. but i know she is a nice gal.. someone so genuine.. so sincere..and i enjoy talking to her..
Though sometimes, she is blak2an.. but she is a lil angel.. and innocent gal... she is just like a lil sis like Vero...

Lotsa people aso tell me that, there are many other guys who are much better than Firman.. and i shouldn’t be blinded just looking at Firman and forsake
those who are around me... Many people tell me that i deserve someone better... someone who really know how to cherish me.. and there are these people who appears in my life now.. a few of them actually.. but i just cant seem to open my heart to them...

Dearest God,
What is your plan for me? I believe you have a plan for me.. can i just move on like how Firman did?
Sometimes I wonder how he can just forget me so fast.. and move on so fast? But I guess, I will never get the answer..

One side of me, I wish i can hate him.. and maybe it will be easier for me to let go of him..
But Dearest God, you taught me not to hate... im puzzled..

And on another side of me.. Im actually thankful to him... for all the beautiful memories.. that I’m still in love with him..
and maybe that’s the reason why im still holding back..

Sometimes, i do think, should i just broke down these walls that i had been building these months?
Should i just accept someone new in my life.. and maybe it will help me to forget about Firman?
But should it be that way? These people who wanna love me and care for me.. will i just be making use of them to forget Firman..
I thought.. tats the very salah way.. but, many people said, sometimes, it does help...

I just hope.. and pray hard that.. I will be okay God.. i know i will.. cos i know that you have ur plans in me..
Maybe i just haven see it.. maybe i just haven understand..

Lead me thru this God.. lead me to the best plan that you have for me.. cos in Your hands.. I lie my live..

The long ride..

I let my dumb mind gotten over me again.. OK yeah again!! I know its silly.. i know am being dumb.. but there are times when i cant control this feeling that i feel inside.. i was angry with myself.. i tried to study so hard.. had been in front of the book for the longest time but i flipped back my book and just cry.. cos nutink realli gets into my mind.. and im angry with myself.. i cursed and sweared.. Ok, i know am being immature, but.. can someone know how am i feeling inside? I used to be so capable.. to learn things very fast but now?? I tried so hard and yet nutink can come into my brain cos of my stupid mindd...

I felt that am the dumbest gal in the world.. realli the dumbest.. i asked myself.. what is the point of crying? it just got me tired.. and nutink will ever change.. nutink.. not even a single lil thing will change..

Then i asked D for a fast drive.. a ride.. he had been looking for me for whole day but, i didnt pick up his call or reply to his sms.. and his skype is off.. so when i plurked, he replied me instantly.. he knew that something happened to me by my plurk? we argued.. but he still come eventually with hendri and nicko. .

I knew he was pissed when he saw me.. bcos, he didnt say a word when i got into the car.. then hendri told me to go up and get my passport.. so i did.. i didnt know, wads wrong.. its the first time, i saw D didnt bother to look at me at all.. and when i got back into the car, D just drove off without asking me where i wanna go.. so am puzzled, i looked at hendri and nicko.. they too cant give me any answer.. n just shake their heads.

Ok.. then i cried silently cos its been so awkward.. then i realised, we are heading towards immigration and i was like!! What!! where the hell are we going.. so i asked D nicely.. "D, where are we going?" and D just replied with a forced smile.. The rest seems to know where we are heading but no one told me..

Once cleared the Malaysia custom, and after half an hour ride.. there i was still crying.. D blast off his audio and i was immersed in my own thought and D suddenly speed very fast and am shocked.. D said' u need a fast drive rite?" now i gave u.. Then, i looked at hendri and nicko.. Hendri just said.."loe kale ini beneren bikin dia dah gila".. and i was...

Then i dun even care.. i keep crying and immersed in my own thought.. i didnt knw wth i was thinking.. then Nicko suddenly said.."Loe mo ke KL ga.. kalo mau skrg juga.. abisin semuanya.."
Then i shook my head.. D was angry.. He stopped his car and dragged me out of the car. Then we both talked outside.. while hendri and nicko still in the car..

D asked, do i want to go KL? Meet firman and finished off everything.. he can dun go up to mentari with me.. but let hendri or nicko to accompany me up cos he knew he wun be able to control his temper if he happens to see firman.. I contemplated for awhile.. n i didnt give him any answer..

Then back in the car, i can see that we are on highway ... heading towards Melaka KL.. suddenly, i told D, nope.. i wanna go home.. am tired.. then Hendri said.. "Serius? yakin? kita org dah disini.. kalo mau beresin skrg juga.. loe mo mpe kapan kek begini trus?" then i said yeah i just wanna go home..

The whole ride.. i was crying.. i didnt know wads wrong with me.. its like some devil gotten inside me.. i miss firman.. though in the car, beside of me there is this guy who loves me.. but, i cant look at him at all.. my whole thought is all about firman.. but i do know.. D is angry with me.. cos i guess i had been making him worried..

Now.. am back at home after almost 5 hours of ride.. am tired.. i need some sleep.. i hope i can wake up fresh and steady and go for my exam.. i wanted a ride and it was given so there is nutink to complain nemore..

I see David's plurk now.. tat he is worried about me.. and he wonders whether its ok to leave me alone in my room rite now... i dunno wad to say.. i know he was angry.. cos im emo again.. tats y he didnt want to talk to me.. but now, i shall just go to sleep and hopes tat everything would be okay when i wakes up..

Wadever it is.. Thanks for the long ride.. and the accompany.. D, Hendri and Nick.. :)

Am angry.. at myself..

IM ANGRY WITH MYSELF.. AM ANGRY WITH MY DUMB SELF.. AM ANGRY WITH EVERYTHING THAT I HAD DONE.. AM ANGRY!!!

WHY DID I ALLOW MYSELF TO CRY AGAIN.. AM ANGRY.. ANGELA, TOMORROW IS EXAM.. CAN U JUST WAKE UP UR MIND AND FOCUS ON UR STUDIES? DO U WANNA DO BADLY AGAIN!! DO U!!!

WHAT IS THE USE OF YOU MISSING HIM NOW!! WAD IS THE USE? WILL HE KNOW? WILL HE EVEN BOTHER AT ALL ANGELA!! WHY CANT U JUST LET GO!!!!!! DAMN!

HOW MANY TIMES HAVE YOU BEEN TELLING YOURSELF!!! ITS TIME TO LET GO!! HOW MANY TIMES HAVE YOU TELL OTHERS THAT YOU ARE ALREADY OKAY!! YOU ARE COWARD ANGELA...!!! DAMN COWARD!!!!

I HATE YOU ANGELA! I HATE THE CURRENT YOU!! I WISH YOU ARE DEAD.. I HATE YOU!!! I HATE THE WEAKLING ANGELA!!! JUST ROT WADEVER YOU WANT!!

U KNOW URSELF THAT U CANT BRING HIM BACK.. U KNOW URSELF THAT HIS HEART IS NO LONGER WITH YOU.. U KNOW YOURSELF THAT HE DUN CARE ABT YOU NEMORE.. WHY CANT U JUST LET GO!!!!!!

YOU LIKE TO CRY RITE!! CRY CRY ALL YOU WANT.. CRY TILL U R TIRED ASO NOBODY WILL KNOW...

ANGELA.. U R JUST WEAKLING.. NO USE OF YOU TO KEEP LOVING.. WAKE UP!!!! DO U NEED SOMEONE TO SLAP YOU THEN U WANNA WAKE UP? U WANT? PLS DUN BE DUMB.. I HATE U ANGELA!!!

If only..

I hate the EMO me in the morning..

I woke up.. feeling unwell.. i vomitted again.. i dunno wad is F***in wrong with me.. and i cried.. i dunno why the hell am feeling all this when i know exam is tomorrow and i know there is no time for me to waste animore!!!!!

I hate the EMO me in the morning.. i hate it!!!! i realli hate it!!! N yeah.. i dreamt of you B last nite.. i dreamt that we hugged n kissed and come on!! its just a stupid dumb dream... why it gets me emo again!!!!! I HATE IT!!!!

Now here i am feeling unwell in my tummy and my head is spinning like hell ... and to add on ur shadow is back in my room again!!! why the hell!!!! im suppose to have full concentration on my studies today!!!

I hope.. after this grumbling here.. am back on track.. i realli need to study..

Dearest God,
Pls pls take away the emo n poor health in me now.. i need it badly now.. i need the full concentration on my studies...

My Results..

Now.. officially i can say gudbye to my first class honours.. am saddened.. but i know its expected.. how can someone get gud grades when she is not studying at all?

I let my mind get over myself too much... and there is nothing much i can do now.. accept the fact and say bye to the first class honours..

am sorry daddy.. am sorry mommy.. i lost the first class honours that i promised u.. cos of my stupid and confused mind getting all over me at that time..

and.. am sorry too Firman.. i lost my first class honours that i promised..

There should be no regret cos its my own doing.. but i guess 2nd upper is not that bad yeah? :)

Weirdo Angela

Last nite.. i went to a party with Mel.. there were a lot of people in the party..it should be fun but i dunno why.. amidst of all the laughter and fun.. i feel so lonely... Not being alone physically.. but alone mentally... Have you ever feel that you are alone when actually you are in the midst of lotsa of people? I look around the hall.. trying to enjoy the fun, trying to entertain those people who talks to me but i cant.. im pissed off with myself.. i hate it when im feelin tat way.. Then i told Mel, i make a move first... i was out.. in the cab n crying to myself..

I didnt know why am i crying.. then the new fren, a guy, who just got my number sms me.. "Cheer up k.. u r pretty and nice gal.. hope to hang out with u again soon" and i was like.. damn! No.. i dun want to.. im wondering.. i should be flattered isnt it cos people are praising me... !! I dunno why he said Cheer up? did my face show any sadness at all in the party? i dunno.. but i seriously dun think so..

nowadays, i learnt how to hide my feelings well in front of people.. but i broke down the moment i get into the cab... i hate it.. i hate that feeling.. i hate my mood nowadays! it can just flip flop so fast.. n its realli weird to have tat feeling... how can anione be lonely when u r in the midst of the party?

Then i was home... i received a sms from Niky.. asked me whether i had my dinner.. how am i? am i still puking? then again.. i get pissed off.. i realli dunno why the hell am angry when people care for me.. then i talked to him on msn.. i told him wad happened in the party and he said.. is it becos am too tired? i dunno!! i freaking dunno... maybe i am but.. usually although am tired, i dun feel so lonely out of sudden!

Then.. yeah.. Heri called.. i talked to him for very long.. i told him everything.. how is life.. how am i getting on.. and wad had just happened.. He just said a simple word.."You are smart... u know and u understand, but u just refuse to acknowledge"

I know so many people had been giving me all the support that they can.. loving me in any way.. im grateful.. i didnt know wads wrong with me last nite but... i guess its just a mood swing.. gals do have that sometimes right? although i hate it but.. i cant deny that sometimes, me too have that kind of weird feelings..

Weirdo Angela....

The new and vain Angela.. ^^V

Recently, i have been receiving lotsa of compliments.. Am I vain? Ganjen? haha.. Maybe yes? Dunno.. I changed my wardrobe like almost totally! Haha.. it is not cheap i know.. but i love the new Angela.. :P

I realised something.. there is nothing called ugly lady.. but just lazy lady.. Every morning when i step into office.. Colleagues will start saying "wowwwwwww.. so pretty2 today"and guess wad.. many of the colleagues.. even from other departments realised that i had changed my wardrobe.. and everyone was like giving me thumbs up..

Somehow, it made me feels glad.. initially when i changed my wardrobe is becos, i thought i just want to pamper myself.. to treat myself good a lil.. cos, it seems that i had neglected myself for the longest time ever..

I remembered Sia used to tell me this.. "While you are single, you must pamper yourself more"and i guess that is what am doin now.. without noticing that i had already burnt a big hole in my pocket.. but i guess its quite worthwhile..

Looking at me now.. i think its gud... at least i know, am doing something for myself.. not faking for everybody to see.. its just when i feel that i need a change.. And ironically guess wad, Angela had been going for facial, treatments to make her skin better.. Yay!! and now a lil by lil.. her skin is improving.. Thanks God!

And.. Angela had become girlier.. Look at the dresses and heels that she had bought for herself.. Alsooooooo.. Angela had been using body lotion.. haha! Dun be surprised kay? Angela just wanna change into a better Angela..

So much changes happening in my life now.. my social life.. my church life.. my working life.. And everyone can see the new Angela.. and i presume its a gud thing..

But no matter how i change.. one thing i know for sure is...there is something in me that will never change.. I love the Angela now.. i finally know how to forgive n love myself.. and i bet.. this new Angela also bring a lot of happiness to many people who love me..

I believe, i can never be able to do all these without God.. i think he has been around to enlighten me from many things.

Maybe one day.. When u you see me again.. u too will be proud and happy.. ^^

I can only rely on U God..

Dearest God,

I know you are beside me now.. i know u live in me now..
and U know that am confused rite now.. with so many things..
I dunno wad should i do.. im in dilemma..but i know.. u r here Lord..
I shall just pray and believe that everything is in its time..

I might be your weak child o lord..
might be your crying baby.. but God, this lil child of yours is seeking You..
is looking up at You..
Cos i know.. U have the plan for me.. for me to walk on..
and i shall not be afraid to walk on no matter what..

I know you never give me the trials which i cant survive..
I know these trials are there for me to become strong..
And one day, when i passed them all...
I will be someone much much better..

Thank you God.. for everything that u had given me so far.. thank you for not abandoning me.. thank you for forgiving me and hold me back in your arms again..

I love You.. i know.. i can just trust in U cos u never leave those who loves u forsaken.. When im at lost.. i know, u r there to hold me up again..

Thank u God.. ^^

Did i do a dumb mistake again?

Did i make a mistake again? Did i? did i? did i? Just now, i saw D cried.. realli cried and broke down.. wad was i thinking? This is the first time, i saw him so devastated.. and i never know that im capable enuff to make someone cry and devastated till lidat.. and for the first time, i have the urge to give him a hug..

He came over just now, to pass me dinner and my study file tat was left in his car. He was happy when he came over.. i can see that.. but once he see me, his face sunken in. Then i look at myself in the mirror.. i looked very ugly n messy.. Then he never said anitink at all.. in the room, i was reading a book.. then he sat on the floor.. quiet for sometime. I know he has been looking at me..
but i dunno wad to say to him as well...

Then, he took out the porridge.. got me to eat it.. i ate a few sip and i puked it all out on his shirt. Its very embarassing but instead of cleaning off his shirt, he helps me to get drink n stuff.. i was stunned.. he asked auntie for hot water.. with his shirt still stain with my puke.. i felt bad..

Then, after im okay, i pass him daddy t-shirt to change into.. he changed to that.. and he smiled. Then i was sitting on my bed.. he kept askin whether am okay. i said yeah am fine. Then, we talked.. i told him abt wad i did this morning. I told him tat i sent a sms to Firman. n guess wad, he just kept quiet.. for very long.. 15 mins? then finally he asked, "Did he reply?" and i said no..

Then, i can feel my tears going to flow out again dunno why so i make my way to the toilet.. i dun want him to see me crying again..but before i can open the door.. he hugged me.. very tightly from behind.. and i screamed at him.. but he didnt let go.. usually, if i screamed, he would just let go but this time, he didnt..

And.. me also too weak to oppose.. i cried.. he hugged me still.. and i just cried.. and he told me this.. "Why are you so silly?.. Why?" and not long, i heard him sobbing.. and i was stunned.. i dunno wad to say.. wad to do.. i tried to turn to face him but he said dun turn back.. and he said something like..

"You are so silly.. do u think u can realli move on d? Why try to look for him while u know he dun bother abt u nemore? are yoou trying to lie to yourself or wad? Do u need to keep hurting yourself lidat?"

Then i tried to answer.. but he screamed back at me.. asked me to shut up.. this is the first time he shouted at me..

"Do you it pains me a lot to see you torturing yourself like this? I thought, you are getting better but.. see wad u did this morning? Do you want to give him a call now? call him.. call him using my phone now.. maybe he will pick up."

Then i asked him.. realli he will? then he realli broke down.. he let go of his hug and just sit on the floor. he threw his phone on the phone.. i was stunned.. and shocked..

He just told me that.. he realli dunno wad to do with me nemore.. whats so good in Firman that i see, what else he lose to firman.. Why he cant make me happy? he felt tat he is useless.. He said, this is the first time, he ever... tried so hard to win a gal's heart.. to try to bring her out of darkness.. he dun even mind .. even if i just make use of him to forget about firman. And.. i saw his tears coming out from his eyes.. and i heard him sobbing hard..

He asked me this question.."It hurts you when u see Firman is not well right? It hurts you when you see Firman is not being himself right? It hurts you when u know he is destroying himself rite? Its the same for me.. so please Angela.. pls dun do dumb thing tat hurts urself.. u think u r tat strong? n tot u r okay d? The fact that u still wanna sms him means tat u r still not okay.."

I silent for awhile.. i tried to explain.. but he seems not listening at all.. i saw him crying.. i saw the phone lying on the phone.. with cracks.. i tried to rationale with him but he doesnt even want to look at me..

Then.. i cried as well.. i told him dun lidat.. i told him tat am okay.. i told him that he scares me.. then he looked at me.. am saddened.. i never know..i can make him cry till lidat..

He asked me.."can u hug me for awhile?" and i did.. he said he is sorry.. he dun meant to scare me but.. it pains him to see me living in denial.. i dun understand why he think so.. he kept saying sorry.. and asked me.."can u try to love me? just try?".. i looked at him puzzledly.. i dunno wad to say.. he said, if i dun give him an answer he will take it as a yes.. and i still silent..

Then he picked up his stuff and left.. i plurked after he left.. 'From now on.. i shall have no more doubt.. `Semuanya kan jadi Indah pada waktunya' cos.. i tot.. i trying not to doubt anyone nemore.. n i shall believe that everything will be in its time.. n he replied.."Thanks. Finally". did he get the wrong message again? not long after.. he plurks.. "wished that this lasts forever"..

am puzzled.. did i do mistake again.. what is he thinking? i knew he meant well.. but for now, i realli cant.. God, pls show me the path..

I finally make the first move..

This morning, i woke up.. i finally make my first move for so long to sms firman. I thought, i will cry when i sms him.. but nope, i didnt.. am glad tat i finally got the courage to sms him. I know, he might nt even reply me. I know he might be thinkin why i sent a sms to him. But this morning, i dunno why i tot, i took up my hp and sms him.

"Fir, gmana kabarna? kuliah ok ok be dak? uhmm.. tekker yo.. bln depan ato kapan gt exam kan.. jia you and gud luck yo buat exam.. ganbatte ^^"

Seriously, i dun meant anitink when i sms him.. n realli, i dun expect him to give me any reply.. i tot, i just dun wanna hide nemore. I just wanna show tat no matter wad, even he n I cant be couple nemore, i sincerely hope tat we can still be friend.

These days, i had come to terms that he is no longer mine.Not that i dun love him nemore but i realised that i cant force someone to love me. If his heart is not with me nemore, i can only hope that he can find someone who he loves and makes him happy.. n when he is happy, i shall be happy as well..

These last few days, i realli figured out lotsa of things.. maybe when u r nt feeling well then u will know how to think better? haha.. Yesterday, i managed to find back all the old photos with him.. i tot, yeah Angela will cry.. and will be saddened, i prayed.. and instead i feel thankful for those happy memories.. i smiled when i look at all those photos.. n instead of blaming Firman for dumping me.. now, i feel thankful becos.. he had brought so much happy memories in my life.. of cos, there are some bad memories as well but.. this time round, im just being thankful..

I realised, i had been thankful.. for all had happened.. maybe God wants something to happen to me.. maybe its not time for me to settle down yet.. and i have other things that i need to prioritise..

Then yesterday, i talked to koko, i told him tat am thankful.. instead of complaining, i learnt how to see things in a way that am thankful.. n maybe the reason, am able to punch the sms earlier on is becos of koko as well. Koko tell me one thing, "I know you are starting to be thankful. If you already forgive him.. n be thankful for all the gud memories, then u can just sms him. Give him the support like how you always want us to pray for him as well. But, dun expect that he will reply you or anitink becos the more you expect, the more disappointment you will get as well"

Dearest Bb.. I realli hope that you are doing well cos me too is starting to bring back the best in me.. am realli thankful.. with ur presence in my life before.. you taught me lotsa of things, let me learned lotsa of things.. and left me with lotsa of beautiful memories.. Now looking at u, i dun cry nemore.. but i smile cos am being thankful.. i realised, keep complaining will get me to nowhere but exhaustion but if am being thankful.. life will be so much much easier..

Maybe there will be times when i miss you.. will be times that im grumbling.. will be times that i complained.. will be times when i swear again.. but, for now am just being thankful..

One day, i hope, we can meet again.. by then we might have our own life.. might have our own path... but the things that you had brought into my life.. is something that i will never forget.. for the rest of my life..

Thanks Bb.. ^^

Am i pushing myself too hard?

Im not well.. my head is spinning like hell.. my body is aching like hell.. but am i pushing myself too hard? Yest, i still manage to go to Cell.. pray for awhile.. it helps me though to calm down a bit but after cell, when im home.. i was like.. damn.. again lie on my bed and just sleep.

Today, i have lotsa of activity gg on again.. Misa indo at 3.30 and then follow up with making of video with anak2.. and steamboating? I guess i will just go to misa, make the video for vera then go home today.

Yesterday, only ko yudhi know that am not feeling well in the cell.. Koko asked why am i pushing myself so hard? if am nt feeling, i can just rest at home.. and i was stuck.. i didnt know how to answer.. i told koko, cell made me feel closer to God and i realli need it now..

Then Koko just said "You are realli pushing yourself too hard". It triggers to think.. why everyone is telling me that am pushing myself too hard.. i had been numbing myself from getting myself busy with all things.. from outings.. from works.. from studies and from exercising.. yeah u heard it rite exercising.. i had been playing tennis and gym in office..

And also.. since i join KTM, i become so much closer to God.. and am realli thankful that God comes into my life again.. Now i always feels that i miss His presence.. and am happy with all the acitivities that i had been joining with KTM. All the prayer session.. workshops.. Realli am thankful.. I wanna be close to God.. I want him close in my life.. and i feel that my life is so much better since then.. and now, weekend is like for Cell.. and Church.. ^^

Why am i pushing myself so hard? i dunno whether am pushing myself hard.. but i thought my life is better now.. i live for myself.. as in.. yeah maybe i changed.. but, i know i change into a better me.. i had been slacking.. had been acting like a walking zombie for the past few weeks.. Everyone who see me.. will see me as if am someone with no soul.. someone who will cry.. anytime anywhere, everytime i miss firman..someone who blamed God for giving her all the tests in her life at the same time.. but the Angela now is someone, i think is better.. who knows how to be thankful and look at things in different angle..

I dun deny that i will still miss Firman.. i dun deny tat.. i dun deny that i still feel the pain... i dun deny tat feeling for firman is still as strong.. i dun deny tat i still hope one day, i can see him again.. all these i cant deny..though he is gone, but he is still deep in my heart, tats the thing i know for sure.. but no point for me to keep stopping myself to bring out the best in me right? i mean one day, if he sees me again.. if he will ever remember me again, i want him to be proud of me..

All along, i believe i has been capable.. God gave me the ways.. give me the power, give me the talents to be capable and i cant just let it down like that. i will show to everybody that Angela can do it.. and one day, if Firman sees me again.. i hope he will smile.. n be proud of me.. i remembered he said, if i changed into someone better, he will look for me again.. Though seriously, i dun hope for that cos he had been blocking me everywhere but i do hope.. one day, i can still see him.. especially in his graduation day.. tats the promise i made to myself long long time ago.. "If one day, i happen to break up with Firman before his graduation, during his graduation, i will just see him from far" and i will do tat..

Many people might nt understand what am i doing now.. they might think tat am pushing myself too hard.. but people, one day u all will understand.. why Angela is doing all these? Am happy that am close to God again.. tat am sure.. Am happy that i start to love myself again.. Am happy that for the moments, Mom and Dad is happy again to see their cheerful daughter who had gone back to God..

And another thing is, i dun try to act strong and hide any feelings nemore.. Yest in cell, Ko yudhi said, ada yg mo didoain aapa2 ga? then aku bilang.. "Iya Ko...doain mantan aku biar examnya lancar2 aja.. kekna bentar lagi final exam" and everybody is surprised cos i use the word mantan. but i think Koko understand wad i meant.. then di doa penutup, everyone of us, prayed for Firman. Isnt it nice? I realli hope, Firman can graduate soon.. n make his family proud..
And u know, the feeling of saying it out? its nice.. i dun hide anymore feeling..

Acting to be strong.. hiding all the feelings is dumb.. and its something i realised recently.. to solve all those, i have to face them.. not to run from it... I hope, Firman is doing fine now as well..

I love you bb.. tat i dun wanna hide nemore.. no matter what had happened, i love you. Though i might not be in ur heart nemore, u r still there every mins and secs in my life... and yeah.. let me love you k.. from far.. tats all am asking for.. n one day, if u see the Angela again.. i hope u will just smile at me.. ^^

High Fever + Gastric Flu

Last nite, i decided tat i should start bring back the best in me.. n yeah today this morning when i woke up, i start coughing, puking and realised tat am having high fever.. things just aint goin the way i want it to be

But i cant afford not to go to office cos.. uKimono launch is realli just the corner and i cant afford to delay any works nemore.. so i drag myself to office today.. coughing the whole day.. keep running to toilet to puke.. am feelin realli lousy.. but thanks god, i manage to get thru the day..

Then, im home at 6+ after seeing the doctor.. doctor said its high fever n gastric flu.. i dun understand why gastric flu cos i had been eating regularly.. aiyahh wadever it is, doctor always just keep repeating those sickness but my fever is high.. its 39.4..

the moment i got into the room, i changed into my PJs and straight plunked onto the bed.. n now i just woke up.. my head is spinning like hell.. i forced myself to eat some porridge so as i can eat the medicine.. but after i ate the medicine.. i puked again.. cough cough and puke..

Actually, its the same feeling during last TAKA. I remembered i was so sick that when bb was here, i cant go out with him.. n one nite, he brought me to hospital and get some drip.. i realli hope this time, the medicine realli helps and i can get well soon..

Am sick of being sick.. realli.. am i pushing myself too hard? i dunno.. but i just want to be stronger again,.. each day am learning how to be strong again.. each day.. but now i collapse.. my body is realli rejectin me now.. i feel like crying now but.. i dun have the energy to do so.. it will make me puke again..

Have u ever.. feeling sick and u r all alone in ur room?? it realli sucks.. Realli.. but its ok.. i believe i will pull it thru.. :)

New Social Network Media - Plurk

Today, Terence introduce me to something called Plurk.. its another social journal or i should call it social networks thingy.. Something like twitter? but this one with the timeline n stuff..

I was trying out.. then realised Vero is also in Plurk.. then add some frenz.. hahaha.. was kinda of fun.. but i felt tat its gonna be addictive as well.. :PIts realli something twitter.. but improved version of twitter.. but i guess, again, u gotta be always on the ball to keep this thing alive.. and i think mine gonna last for only a few days.. cos i gonna be damn busy at works.. n might nt be appropriate to keep posting things up in this plurk thingy.. i think its gonna be like my pathetic twitter account which only have 1 or 2 tweets? haha. dunno.. we'll see how...

They have this thing called "Karma" haha.. to gauge how active u r in this plurk thingy.. so if ur karma is low.. it means tat u r not active enuff? i dunno.. haha.. just tried it out earlier on... will explore when i get home later..

But seriously i think.. u gotta have more frenz to keep this thing interesting.. but again i think not many people know abt this thingy yet.. my whole list of msn frenz.. i guess only a few..like 10? haha.. tats very sad.. but i guess its kind of cute thing.. so i introduce to some of frenz.. hahaha.. n David registered.. i was shocked!!! cos.. this guy never ever want to have this kind of social network thingy.. and best of all, he dun even have a msn.. just skype.. haha.. dunno wad era is he living in..:P

Im realli impressed to see how these social networks had gained its popularity in society nowadays.. and the credit shall goes to the programmer and creator.. i think they are excellent.. but sometimes, its something so addictive i feel.. like somehow am addicted to fb nowadays.. n best of all with my lovely N97.. it enables to get connected everywhere i go.. haha.. i feel tat soon, am gonna become one of the 'Autis' according to Nadia.

And.. i realised, these social platforms had becoming new advertising media to us.. marketers.. and its realli booming!! i had tried doing advertisement in yahoo and msn.. its kind of traditional media for me.. but with so many new advertising media to tap on.. its realli very interesting.. i had been bloggin my company blogs.. creating some activities in FB.. and its very fun.. i think, am getting sick of all the traditional media adverts such as newspaper, radio.. tvc.. its fun but i guess all these new medias are better!! haha.. I GUESS AM IN LOVE WITH NEW MEDIA ADVERTISEMENT..

If i were to move on to another company, i guess i should be doin this new media advertising... yay!! soo i gotta get myself connected with all these new social network platforms.. haha.. i realli believe, i have the eyes for Advertising job.. and looking at my portfolio now, sometimes i will just smile and be proud of myself.. :)

And uKimono is on the way.. everyday is about seeing SHE face till sometimes, im sick of it.. haha but it gotta add to more colours of my portfolio.. and its gonna be a BIG BIG thing.. so looking forward to the big events coming up.. the press conference.. the media interviews.. the photoshooting.. the events ads shoot... Its going to be a big big bang for me n team.. so i gotta pull myself up and do my best!!

TA DA.. like wad Hartley said... "Angela Bole" hahaha...

2 Months...

Today is the day of the month again.. My tears drop when i woke up this morning.. Am i silly?? Am i dumb?? I dunno how u r doing nowadays.. but, i heard u r doing well and happily with her.. I should be happy huh?? but am i tat noble enuff?? i dunno..My heart hurts.. when i thought of that but there is nutink i can do..

Im even thinking.. should i just hate u??By hating u, will i be able to move on faster??I dunno.. n nobody will know as well.. It might hurts me more.. but keep loving u hurts me as well.. cos, i know u will never be mine nemore.. and im nt the one who is able to make u happy nemore..
But everyday, i know im getting better..and maybe..am getting stronger..with the help of God and Angels around me..

In the end, thru days and nitez.. u never failed to leave my heart..Im asking myself.. why is that so.. and when i cant get the answer, i will get very angry and pissed off with myself..
Frenz told me.. "Just remember that he had moved on, might be with other gal d.. then its easier for u to let go"But.. everytime, this thought of u might be holding hands with her.. hugging her.. wadsoever makes my heart ache like hell..

Other frenz told me.. "Maybe i should just accept whoever who is chasing me now.. like David so as i can forget u faster" But, can i realli do that? will i just be making use of him.. he treated me very well, tat i cant deny.. he is like dream guy to many girls but, to me, he is just like an angel that God send to me,.. but not for me to be with him.. Im puzzled.. everytime, i saw his hurtful eyes, i dunno wad can i say to him to make him better.. bb, can u tell me? should i just accept this guy?Will love grows over the time?? will i be loving him one day? i dunno.. but i seriously dun think so for now..

I used to be someone who can fall in love easily.. really easily.. like how i fell for u the 3.5 years ago... n u were so far.. but this time, David is so close.. who is able to meet me everyday.. who always surprises me with the lil surprises which he carefully plans. . but why? my heart just cant accept him.. the moment he wanna get close to me.. i will just build a wall in between.. but he is always there.. supporting me.. for the past 1.5 months, he had been there.. but why my eyes just cant see him? I tried.. very hard to accept him.. but my heart just cant..

Bb.. u r the only one who left me like this.. without clear intention.. u were the only one.. Heri and Hardy.. though they broke up with me, never ever they give me the feeling that am unwanted... but why u make me feel so worthless for u? so unwanted by u.. even the moment we just broke up.. i had been asking myself.. am i realli such a lousy girlfren?? i dunno.. maybe i was.. but i tot i realli just want the best for u..

Heri... appears again in my life after so many years..the him now is so stable with gud career and mind set.. actually, i feel so happy to see the present him..cant deny, he used to be part of my life as well...tat day when he came over to sg, we talked abt so much thingy.. was a nice dinner.. with so many things to catch up with each other... n he told me tat the biggest regret he ever did in his life is to let me down.. tats y till now, he cant get himself to love another gal though many years had passed.. he had been looking at me... thru frenz.. and from far.. and sometimes, when he come to sg, he will look at me in a corner from far.. he wanted to contact me for the longest time but looking at how happy i am with u.. he dun wish to disturb my life.. i didnt know all these till tat day when he came over to sg..

Its nice to know.. someone who u dearly loved.. is back into ur life.. as a fren.. as someone who can understand u.. someone who shares and understands u even without u saying anitink.. after so long, its nice to just catch up with each other and yeah let the other party know.. that we are all grown up.. and able to accept facts d.. He promised tat he will always be there if i needed someone to talk to.. its realli comforting.. n u know wad he told me... "U r the best girl ever.. tat i had known.. im sorry tat i had let u down.. i know its all too late to tell u all this.. but u had been livin in my heart" and when i heard this.. i cried.. cried realli cried.. he hugged me.. n told me tat he is sorry..

N i remembered Hardy also used to tell me when we just broke up.. when he doesnt tat u r with me.. he said.. "I owe my whole life to u.. n am sorry..sorry i made u cried and made u upset but u r still the one that i want"..

Why?? Heri and Hardy can tell me all these.. but u dun.. im not comparing.. but i realli wish.. one day, u can tell me this as well even just as a fren.. but i doubt tat it will ever happen.. Among the 3, Heri, Hardy and U..u r the one who had gone thru the most with me.. who had experienced so much thingy with me... but yeah.. u r the one who realli realli broke my heart to pieces.. u r the one who i love with all my heart.. no way i can ever deny tat.. u r the most significant one.. but.. u r the one who forgotten me the fastest.. n ignored me the moment we broke up..

Baby... im sorry tat i cant let u go for now.. sorry i just cant erase u from my mind now.. sorry tat my heart is still painful.. not tat i dun want to move on.. but, it realli pains me like hell.. no matter how i want to hide it.. no matter how hard i try to make myself busy.. u r there bb.. am sorry...

The 14th of the Month..

Today.. is the 14th of the Month.. had been 2 months since then.. i dunno wad to say.. dunno wad to think.. my heart is in painful state.. call me dumb.. slap me hard.. but.. its realli in a painful state..

why did i fell so hard this time round? Dearest God, bless me today.. give me strength to pull off today..

Am i okay?

I had been feeling my body rejectin me.. in the middle of the nite, my tummy hurts like hell.. i crawled on my bed to find the comfort position to ease the pain but the pain is very much inevitable...

n the back of my body.. near to my kidney had been feeling the soreness that i cant explain.. sometimes at work. i would just scoout down so as the pain wun be so bad..

N Fever.. yeah its always there.. seems like it had been a seasonal disease for me..

I dun understand y.. i had been eating regularly.. had been sleeping regularly and early.. had been taking vitamins even.. but still.. am i okay?? im scared but i dunno wad to do.. to see a doctor?? had seen too many d but it doesnt help..

I just hope and prayed tat everything would be okay.. :)

Being Thankful.. -Angels in Disguise-

Dearest God,
I begin to understand the meaning of being thankful.. am being thankful that u had sent so many Angels in my life.. Angels who walked me thru the hardest time in life.. Angels who never complains.. Angels who never abandon me no matter what.. Angels who ask nutink for return..

Dearest God,
There are especially some people who i need to thanks... in this lil blog of mine.. and pls blessed them with ur might.. cos they had been the most wonderful thing.. who brought back my smiles these days..

Daddy: Though Daddy is not around physically.. but Daddy always send me sms to care.. and told me that i always makes him proud.. no matter what...

Mommy: Mommy who always talks to me.. who always give me a hug when i need one.. The one who always said.. "Mami sayang Dar Dar.."

Ko Paul: The best brother ever.. who usually act cools but when tremor come into life..giveme the best shelter.. didnt treat me as a lil sis.. but told me tat am a grown up who should stand on my own again... but deep down, i knew and understand what he wants me to do...

Nenek Angel: Though she grumbles and nags a lot... but i knew she meant well.. though sometimes, i cant understand and refuse to understand what she is trying to tell me.. but i know.. she just wants me to have the best...

Dd Pen: Though.. he is far.. though we didnt talk much nowadays.. i knew.. in his heart.. he wants me to stand up n be his cheerful sis again.. remembered the times he spent with me when i just lost Firman.. he was always around to cheer me up.. with his funny jokes.. with his funny faces.. just so as i can give him a simple smile..

Dd Vero: Though i met her once only.. this lil sis somehow brought smiles into my life.. i remembered how she cried with me thru webcam.. i remembered how she said "i love u ce..".. i remembered how she was there to pull me up again though the other party is her brother.. I love her.. heapz.. i never have a lil sis.. n since her presence in life, i really feel how fortunate i am to have a lil sis like her.. someone who is independent and aware of what she wants in her life.. Im just proud of her..

Ing Ing: A fren who i just got to know a month ago.. but someone who seems to know me from long long time ago.. someone who can clicked with me instantly at our first meeting.. Someone.. who will give me a hug anytime i needed her.. someone who will accompany me anywhere anytime, when i dun feel like being at home.. Someone who loves me.. n understand me well.. Its amazing to have a fren like this.. not easy to find.. but i believe, God sent her to me.. lemme understand.. what a true friendship is..

My Colleagues, Mel and Annie: The duo who always hangs out with me in office.. who cheers me up with their funny faces n jokes.. who will listen tentatively to me.. who give me a hug when they see tears running thru my cheeks.. who had been so understanding.. all the shopping times.. karaoke times.. all the lunchies times.. appreciate that!! who till now always bring smiles to my face in office.. who had been planning outing and holiday so as i wun be kept alone.. Who treats me like a lil sis and never give up on me though sometimes, i just refuse to understand what they are trying to tell me..

David: Someone.. who wanna cares.. who wanna takes care of me.. who loves me.. but someone who i had been rejecting since a month ago.. someone great with gud thoughts and mind.. but i feel tat he just deserve someone better.. Always be there when i needed someone to talk to.. though sometimes, i didnt look for him.. he will just look for me.. someone who will plan something great for me.. great dinner, great fireworks and stuffs.. someone who i can say dote on me?? yeah but someone who my heart cant accept for this time.. cos my heart is still with Firman.. who might not be even lookin at me again.. though i cant be with him, he does bring smiles to my life.. with all the lil surprises..

My Church Frenz: People who i had just known,.. but manage to bring me close to u again God.. They are the Angels that u sent to me right? so as i believe in u again and yeah they did.. Am realli thankful to them... cos without them.. i might still be the one who keep rejecting u God..

Last but not least... Is Firman: Am thankful that i had him before in my life.. am thankful that he had taught me lotsa of things.. am thankful that he gave me so much memories in my life.. memories that i might not forgot for the rest of my life... am thankful becos without him, i wun be the Angela i am today.. cos without him, i might had lost myself long ago.. am thankful that he brings out the best in me.. bring out the side of me that many people might not notice.. Though, he is no longer mine, but in my heart.. i know he is there.. i dunno till when he gonna stay there.. but am thankful that he is still there till this second.. and when i thought of him sometimes, the memories will still bring back my smile...

And there are others as well... impossible for me to list them all down.. but God, u should know.. who brought back my smiles.. Bless them.. with ur love n might.. They had been Angels in Disguise for me.. and am thankful to You for bringing these Angels in my life.. They might be far.. but i know they are always there.. like an Angel who love unconditionally..

Am being Thankful God today.. I am..

U r always there.. everinite in my dream..

Baby.. u r always there.. everinite in my dream.. sometimes, u look so real in my dream tat i woke up sit in the corner of my roon n cry..

I dunno why i would still dream of u.. i dunno why i would still think of u.. i dunno why i would still cry when it hurts so bad in my heart...

Sometimes, the dream is of u with other people.. i saw how happy u are.. u laugh u smile, and everytime, i would convince myself to be happy seeing tat.. n i should isnt it.. but sometimes, i woke up, praying to God.. tat its all fine.. give me the strength.. :)

Baby.. had been 2 months.. u never failed to appear in my dream.. how tired i am.. how hard im trying my best to make myself very very tired so as i can sleep better.. but u r always there..
My fren said.. its cos, i think of u too much.. tats y i always bring u with me to sleep..

On another hand, im glad tat i can dream of u.. cos i know.. i would never forget ur face.. i would always have u in my life.. u r something tat i dun wanna lose.. even if im just left with memories.. n dreamz.. baby, i love u..

i dunno how life is for u now.. i just have u everytime in my dream and prayer... tat everything gonna be okay.. for u.. for me... for all my loved ones.. baby.. if only u knew.. how much i miss u.. if only u know.. will u be happy or will u be pissed off? :)

When you cant see what lies ahead..

Sometimes I wonder what lies ahead
How long till my hunger is fed
They say it's hard to make it in this part of town
So many people on this merry-go-round

Some folks try astrology
Some turn to crystal balls
To find an answer, To get through it all
I just fall on my knees and I try to pray
In the silence I can hear Him say

The river runs and the river hides
Out to the ocean and under the sky
I promise you, the answer will come
Hold on to patience and watch for the sign
Everything in its time I often feel like I

'm two steps behind
Somebody must have moved that finish line
There are a thousand reasons
Why I should give up
But I'm stubborn in the things

I believe 'cause maybe there's another plan
One I still can't see A little surprise, like your love in my life
Funny how time changes how we see

The river runs and the river hides
Out to the ocean and under the sky

how are u?

How are u these days? r u doin ok? am i dumb to still stay here n ask how r u? :)

but i remembered.. i said sumthing last time.. even one day, u leave me.. i'll still want to care from u from far.. n here i am.. pouring out in this lil blog of mine.. i pray everynite tat u r fine.. n i believe u will...

The Tsunamis.. n the Love..

Yesterday, i took half day off.. i went to vivo with ing.. watched the tsunamis.. nice movie.. very very nice.. it was sad but i guess its very true to those who had gone thru the tsunamis before.. i cried in the movie.. i guess am realli such a crybaby.. there is this family who got separated from the tsunamis.. the couple apparently is not in gud terms but love each other deeply.. and the tsunamis brought them back together.. n end up, they still die in each other arms.. i tot, its beautiful.. in a way.. n then their daughter, was saved.. thanks to a kind auntie.. Tat scene.. realli teared me down down..

Do people only realised how much they love each other when they are dying??
Do people only realised how to cherish their loved ones when its a lil too late??
Do people only realised how to say "I Love U" sincerely when its the last last time?

Why is it always too late for people who love each other.. to realised everything?? recently, lots of my friends said they missed their ex-s.. n they dunno wad to do.. like James also? he travel all the way to London.. just to visit her.. i tot tat was very very nice gesture of him.. maybe he wun get any return, but he just wanna take a look at her.. to see how she is doing.. to see how her life is now..

and another frenz of mine, Gwen, i asked him why would he missed her? afterall, he is the one who initiated the break up... Gwen said, its the biggest mistake tat he had ever done.. ever.. he cried while we were chatting on the beach.. at east coast a few days back.. then he shared his story that made me cry with him as well.. cos, the story is very familiar.. n so similiar to mine... but i cried cos, i can felt Gwen's rejection in himself..

Gwen was in his early twenties.. was in his prime age where all he wanted is to have fun with the frenz n thingy.. but the fact is though he is cold to his gf then, he still have her in his heart.. just tat sometimes, he dunno how to show it all out.. and there is this one nite, the gf was sent home by a colleague, a guy fren who chased her before.. n he got to found out.. but he just kept quiet..

then, he started to treat the gal even even colder.. talk to her only necessarily.. see her only when the frenz have no time for him.. he admitted that at that point of time, he is aso crazily having fun with his frenz.. till he is blinded, dun see who is the real one for him.. at tat point, Gwen broke down.. i can see him cry, though the beach is dark, but i can see, he puts his head down on his knee, and me.. just hold on to his shoulder and tell him.. "cry it out ba.. u might feel better".

Then he continued.. after sometimes, cos of not much interactions with the gal.. Gwen decided to call it off.. n the gal just said ok.. his thought at the time is, maybe its better that way.. he can have all the fun with his frenz.. n dun need to be cold to his gf animore..

After that, a year later, they bounced into each other on street.. Gwen told me, the girl looks soo amazingly pretty.. so define.. n they talked again.. in one of the cafe in orchard.. then, Gwen told her abt the incident of the guy sending her home.. n the girl replied was.."I was sick, fainted in office.. i called u, but u were not around.. no choice, he sent me home". Gwen was taken aback..

Gwen told me.. tats the most foolish thing tat he had ever done.. to let go such an angel in his life.. n till now, he is not moving on aniwhere.. stuck at point zero.. while he said, he gal is settling down quite well d..

Gwen told me something.. "its always too late to regret".. This is the first time, i saw the cheerful gwen cried.. broke down,.. become himself and let himself out.. but also this is the first time, i saw him rejecting himself..

I asked him to try look for the gal.. just told her how he feels.. but he looks at me and said.. "Angela, he wun look back at me animore.. not animore.." I dunno wad to say.. cos i know, its hard for someone to say this.. that their loved one wun look back at them animore..

I just hope Gwen would have an answer one day.. maybe he wun get any answer.. but.. i guess he will.. if he opens up himself again.. :)

Hate!

Will u?

Will u remember me for long time?? if one day when u had forgotten me..n remembered me again somehow..pls be happy.. :)

In God We Trust...

There is this application in Facebook called "In God We Trust".. I had been opening this application almost everyday nowadays... somehow, i feel that its true to a certain extend.. Silly>? yeah.. its just something for me to do.. since nutink realli bothers these days..

Last few day, the same msg popped out 3 times in 3 consecutive days..

Angela got a message that on this day, God wants her to know...
... that it is time to finally forgive yourself.
You've carried the guilt, the shame for long enough. You've kept your wounds open for long enough. The tim...e has to come to let go, to heal. Keep the lessons and let the pain heal. Yes, you know what we are talking about it.

Uhm.. i dunno why this msg popped 3 times in 3 consecutive days.. am asking myself.. what guilt n shame did i carry? if there is then its only that thing tat happened 2.5 years back.. and i have kept my wounds open for long enough.. but am thinking..

tat shame and guilt will never be long enuff.. the wounds for that can never be healed that is for sure cos the shadow is there following me when nites come.. i know, God might have forgiven me.. and maybe its time to let go, to heal.. keep the lessons and let the pain heal..

Maybe God is right.. but i dunno when it will takes place.. just let times.. heals it.. i dunno.. but if it never heals... there is nutink much i can do..

Today, again.. it says..


Angela got a message that on this day, God wants her to know...
... that every relationship rests on three legs: accepting, supporting and challenging.
That's really it, isn't it? You want your relationships to be groun...ded on accepting each other as you are. On supporting each other through the inevitable ups and downs. On challenging each other to become more, to grow, to flourish. Which one of these is the more difficult one for you, and how are you going to practice it in the next 24 hours?

This message is so true true.. all along, i thought, these 3 elements are the foundations of love n relationships.. I had been trying.. for my past relationships.. to fulfil these 3 legs..

- Accepting -
I accepted him for who he is.. no matter what others said about him, it doesnt bother me at all.. i believe he is the one i had chosen.. and yeah.. i accepted him for who he is.. n i was proud of him..i told my daddy mommy.. told my family.. my frenz.. said one day, they will understand why im so proud of him..

Sometimes, he made me mad..made me cry.. made me upset.. made me wanna give up.. but i told myself.. he is the one i chosen.. i gotta accept him for who he is.. how bad he is.. i believe.. he still have his good points that i can be proud of and i should be.. tat is my thoughts all along.. tats y.. no matter what he had done... how angry and upset i was.. when he thought he made a big mistake tat he gonna lost me.. but there i was still.. standing beside him.. n never ever give up on him..

I dunno.. maybe here comes vero's post again few days back.. love is not blind but ppl just choose not to see.. maybe i choose not to see.. n i did.. cos i just wanna accept.. him for him.. he is firman who i love.. but yeah.. :)

- supporting - On supporting each other through the inevitable ups and downs.-
Did i did that? i guess i have... i might not be supporting to what he did if i think its not rational.. but in bad times and gud times.. did i support him? i believe i had..

I always wanna share his happiness.. his sadness.. always! but sometimes, he just didnt share it with me.. When he gets gud grades, how i wish.. i wish i can kiss him and give him a big big hug to congratulate him...everytimes, i will tell annie n mel, yay!! my bf passed all his papers!! nice hor.. n i remembered there is this one times, it cheers me up till happy tears run down my cheek.. am so proud of him..

When he is feeling down with his assie, was i there? i guess i had.. i was helpin him out for his assie.. i supported him.. but sometimes, it will ended up quarellin becos when i talked things serious with him.. he just dun seem to listen to me at all..

From him to me...?? Seriously.. looking back.. he was there supporting me.. when im nt feeling well, he will look after me.. remind me to take meds sometimes.. but the past few months, all are changed.. i remembered i told him.. last few months.. before we broke up.. i told him, sometimes i realli need times alone with him...

Sometimes, when am feeling bad from work or studies, i realli needed him to listen to me attentively.. but many times, i saw him laughin away in webcam with his frenz.. his rooms are always full of his frenz.. sometimes i feel that.. can i just have sometimes alone with u bb? i told him many2 times.. cos its realli make me even more upset... when here am telling u my sadness.. n seeing u laughin away with ur frenz.. maybe.. u r nt laughing at me.. but sometimes, i tot, it would be nice if u can just listen to me.. n share my sadness.. instead of lettin me seeing u laughing away..

N he had been telling me.. when i told him am nt feeling well, he would say.. "since when u r nt feeling well? u r always nt well wad.." n it made me cry actually.. i knew, i had been weak with my health.. n maybe its true tat i dun take gud care of it..

but recent months.. i had been very busy.. with works (TAKA Fair n uKimon Launch), studies (coping with assie), i had been working late.. sometimes i work till so late it tires me out enuff.. n sometimes, i worked till late so tat i can earn more OT pay as well.. so as i can save up for our graduation trip.. tats wad my thought... but.. :)


- Challenging - On challenging each other to become more, to grow, to flourish.

Sometimes, he praised me tat am very gud in almost everything.. as in.. my works are good.. my studies are good.. and sometimes i challenged him.. "Shouldnt it motivates u to work even harder? and be on par with me?" but his answer is always.. "Its ok.. its gud enuff tat u r capable"

Nowadays, i like to think back.. i was searching for the answer for all the questions that i had in my mind.. but.. i dunno when will i be able to find the answers.. or maybe i will never find the answer.. :)

The more the dark consumes me, I pretend I'm burning bright.

Nice quote.. :)

Dearest God..

Dearest God,
Am sadden.. i feel my heart is crying..
I dunno till when i gotta be like this..
But usually, tears will just run down my cheek..
but today.. i dunno why.. there are no more tears.. physically..

Dearest God,
I made a promise to myself.. to my loved ones..
That i will stop all these..
Stop the pain.. start looking forward..
My loved ones.. told me.. its pains them to see me like this..
Dd told me.. If he sees me happy.. it will mean twice the happiness for him..
And God.. i realli wish i can make them happy.. n stop worrying about me..
But God, my heart is in pain..

I know its me n myself who dun want to let go..
Its easy to say but its so hard to do..

Dearest God,
Can u bless me with more strength? can u make me whole again..
For i feel that am not whole at all now.. i felt a big piece and part of me is missing..
I lost someone.. who had spend my last 3.5 years with me..
N its a big chunk of my life God..
Can u make whole again? or will the scar be there forever?
Even if the scar gonna be there forever.. do let me treasure it one day..
Maybe that is the scar u purposely inflicted so tat i can learn in my life..

Looking at myself now.. i felt pathetic.. many people will laugh at me i know..
But God.. is it wrong of me to love someone so true?
I realli dun wish to be like this at all..
But everytime.. its all the memories that flashed in my mind..

From the moement i get home..
On my PC..
My bed..
My room..
Even Central..
is full of memories with him..

Initially i tot of gg to OZ to study.. going back Indo for good.. just run away from Singapore.. Many people didnt know.. wad i had been thru with him.. tats y its so hard for me to move on.. n maybe.. even himself forgotten wad we had gone thru 2.5 years ago..

The shadow is following.. up till today.. sometimes, i feel that am the most sinful person in the world.. but.. its ok.. i had no choice then.. realli no choice..
After that incident, i never showed him, how sad i am.. only sometimes when i had my nitemares..

Dear God,
U knew wad i had been thru.. n dear God.. i realli tot, with him around.. things will turn around.. but now, i dun have him nemore.. pls give me the strength to move on and look forward..

I want my loved ones to be happy.. i want them to see the happy me.. i want them to be proud of me like last time instead of keep saying i had changed.. like a zombie.. a living zombie..

Pls bless me with more willpower.. with more determination.. and forgive me for the biggest sin that i had done 2.5 years ago.. :)

I deleted him away from my Skype

I got myself deleting Firman from my skype.. i didnt why i did that.. maybe becos.. his nick is so painful for me to see.. I am hoping that he will unblock me.. but he just never.. so i tell myself.. instead of tears keep coming down each time i logged into skype.. maybe i should just delete himm from list and i did it..

Everybody. my friends, some of his friends, can see that im so much pain.. but y cant he? i dunno.. dun he even feel a lil.. tat am in pain? :)

But.. grey stormy days have to be over rite?? Angela, u gotta show the world that u can.. i know its aint easy.. for the love u given him is so strong tat u cant believe it either but u gotta make ur way up..

"No matter what. have to move forwrd right? if backward doesn't allow me. forward is where i'll have to walk"

Again.. am taken aback..

This morning i wake up.. i saw my skype.. n i realised.. i was blocked by Firman.. i dunno why.. dunno why he did that.. i didnt disturb him nemore.. had been long long time since i last talk to him.. i didnt know why he did that..

I was taken aback again.. wad wrong had i done? did he need to do that to me? having me in his communication tools realli is so hard is it? i dunno.. i cried.. i prayed.. i looked at my skype and dunno wad to say...

I saw his nick something like.. "Only you have the power to make me smile and mourn at the same time".. i knew tat nick is for her... n yeah.. after that he blocked me.. n forever in my skype.. i will have his contact lidat...

why? a hundreds.. thousands.. millions of why is turning round and around my head.. the why(s) that i will never get my answers... It hurts.. realli.. i didnt know why.. if i disturb him then maybe i can understand why he did tat but.. am not nemore.. though i dun deny i missed him.. but i didnt have the courage to talk to him at all..

Why life must be so hard for me? i dunno.. i realli dunno.. everytime, when i wanna start standing up.. there must be things that pulls me down again.. in fact, i shouldnt be bother with this nemore... if i wanna think positively.. maybe he is just helping me to get over n move on fast.. but should this be the way?

N why didnt he change his nick.. just after he blocked me?? why must he changed it before he blocked me n left my skype with his lovely nick for other person... now everytime i log into my skype.. i will see him in grey question mark..

I shouldnt be crying.. i shouldnt be sad nemore.. but why are tears still flowing out from my eyes? n down my cheek? i dunno.. sometimes, i feel that im the dumbest gal in the world.. i told dd albert.. i felt stupid n dumb.. but dd told me.. its just becos i love him sincerely..

"Cc bukan bodoh.. tp itu karena cc sayank dia dengan tulus dan benerna tuh cc musti bangga cc bisa kek gt.. karena seberapa banyak org yg bs bener2 sayank seseorang dengan tulus di zaman skrg ini"

I tot.. i used to be proud of myself too.. im proud that im always faithful to Firman.. proud that am nt easily won over by other guys.. cos i know.. Firman is all tat i want.. but now.. i cant help myself but to feel dumb..

But i heard, he had been going to church these days.. rosary.. n i tot tat is something very very good.. and in fact, am happy to hear tat.. cos last time, everytime i ask him to go to church.. he will never want it...

I remembered cha2 told me few days back.. that Firman told her that actually he doesnt want it to end as if both of us are enemies.. i thoought.. i never treat him as my enemy.. maybe sometimes i do curse and swear but i know my heart can never hate him... or even blame him?

He also told cha2 that its ok if i still wanna look for him as a fren.. just pure fren.. but tat time after broke up.. i still asked abt the past.. thinking back.. it was just 1 week after we broke up.. how was i able to just treat him as a normal frenz.. while feeling for him was so strong.. maybe i was wrong... while sometimes when we talked n i talked abt my niece, he would still say much pao2? he forgotten it? maybe i was wrong tat time.. by talking to him mentioning our past but it was realli just 1 week after we broke up n i remembered.. tat was the last time i talked to him as well..

I tot.. its ok tat he didnt add me in msn.. didnt add me in fb... i tot its enuff to have his skype.. if u notice, although i have his skype.. i never call him at all.. cos i know am nt ready.. n tendency of me talking abt us is still very high.. but i tot.. one day, when im able to adjust myself d.. it would be nice to say Hi again to him.. but i guess.. there is no chance at all nemore...

Or is it becos.. he already have a new gal.. n the new gal dont wish him to get in touch with me.. but i remembered.. he promised.. tat he will still contact me no matter wad.. tat am the significant one?? was tat aso a lie?

Dear God,
Is this the way u want us to be? No contact at all.. no communication channel at all? even if one day.. we meet in the midst of street.. should i just treat him as a stranger? someone who i dunno at all...? I dunno.. I realli hope.. i can hear his voice again one day.. will it be a miracle? :)

Dear God,
Give me strength.. give me faith.. give me strength to think that i should be happy now.. cos the one i truly loved.. had found his happiness.. blessed me with the strength o lord.. bless me.. :)

I can feel my body rejecting me..

Actually these days, i had not been feeling well.. and am afraid its my kidney that played me again..

why i said tat? i keep puking after i eat.. my pee is of nt ordinary colour.. i had not been pooin for the longest time.. my body is feverish.. n at nite, i keep running to toilet.. n i just cant think properly or rather just concentrate on anything...

What should i do? im scared.. im realli very scared.. i can feel my body is rejecting me.. but.. :)

My Prayer...

Aku baru balik dari gereja.. aku bedoa ndirian di chapel setelah misa..
n again.. my tears just drop like hell again.. but its happy tears i guess..

aku doa, Tuhan kasii aku kekuatan...
Kasi aku faith..
kasi aku kepercayaan kalo aku bisa lagi..
Kasi aku damai.. kek dolo lagi...

Aku pengen kek Angela yg dolo lagi.. Tuhan, aku pengen.. aku doa Tuhan jagain Firman.. biar semuanya bae2 be buat dia.. Semuanya..

Kalopun jalan Tuhan emank buat aku ama dia ga bs samaan.. Tuhan tolong jagain dia.. jagain ngel juga.. Kalo emank ditakdirkan Ngel emank bukan buat Firman.. Tuhan kasi kekuatan buat kita b2.. terutama Ngel.. Ngel beneren perlu.. sayank Tuhan skrg.. Perlu banget.. Tuhan, kasi ngel kekuatan.. kasi ngel kesabaran buat jalanin ini semua..

Mungkin ngel keliatan lemah depen km Tuhan.. makanya Tuhan, kasi ngel kekuatan.. biar ngel bs kuat kek dl lagi.. n Tuhan, Firman tar lagi dah mo tamat.. Tuhan jagain dia, biar dia bs lulus dengan bae.. dapet kerja yg bae.. jalanin idup dia dengan baik Tuhan.. dia ga pernah lupa ama km Tuhan.. Jadi Tuhan jangan lupa ama dia juga yah.. Tuhan berkatin dia.. biar dia bs jadi seseorang yg semuanya bs bangga.. kek gmana ngel bangga ama dia dl..

Tuhan, dengerin doa2 ngel.. Ngel bakal berusaha.. sebisa Ngel.. Ngel janji.. Jagain Firman Tuhan.. :)

I found my way back to God..

Yesterday.. i stepped into a church again after 2 months.. i cried while praying.. i cried while the rest singing praises.. i dunno why i cried.. when i look at the cross, i see God and i keep saying sorry and i dunno why..

I lost hope for him for a few times.. i remembered when i just broke up with firman, i used to kneel and pray for hours... hours.. hoping tat God will bring firman back to me, but He doesnt.. and tat time, i realli lost hope.. i blame God for taking him away from me.. i blame God for taking the most important thing in my life.. n i hated him in fact.. but i still prayed everynite... i dunno why.. but i still prayed everynite since then..

I felt terribly close to Him yesterday.. though, surrounding me, there are a lot of new friends from different cell group.. but i just felt that God is so close to me.. N i realli feel i wanna be close to him again..

Fedrik (one of the cell leader), told me, everything tat God had done.. its for my own good.. Mungkin Tuhan ambil Firman dari aku.. itu jalan yg lebi bae dari aku.. aku beneren.. dak tau mo omonk apo..

Tp, kemaren di gereja.. i feel the peacefulness tat i had never feel since firman is gone.. the prayers, the praises, realli brought me the sense of peace which no one can ever imagine..

Dear God, am sorry.. am sorry tat i blamed u.. am sorry that i lost hope in u.. Thanks also God, u brought me back close in ur arms.. :)

-=Engkaulah Kekuatanku=-
Engkaulah Kekuatanku
Tempat Perlindunganku
Saat badai menerpa
Aku takkan goyah
Aku tak akan goyah
Sebab kau sertaku


Sejauh Langit dari Bumi
Begitu besarna Kasihmu
Penuhi hati kami yg rindu
Menyembahmu Yesus

Sejauh Langit dari Bumi
Begitu besarnya kasihmu
Kaulah Tuhan
Kekuatanku...
Suka Citaku...

2 posts from FB

Today.. i saw 2 meaningful post in FB.. One is from Hendro.. another one is from Vero..

Hendro said, "Dun Expect.. Dun Think.. Dun Care.. and U'll be just FINE!"
Look at this sentence.. its simplicite.. its short.. but its so true.. u know, i had learnt so much these days.. so much.. Looking back, i think sometimes, i just think and care too much.. n ended up, though sometimes, u meant well, people also wun see it tat way.. and it might annoyed the one that u loved as well...

Sometimes, u might care for ur loved ones.. u might always think about him or her.. n unknowingly, u might be expecting something back from them.. i guess that is normal but!! again.. it does not always turns out good.. trust me..been there done that! so i guess next time, if i happen to be in a new relationship.. the best thing to do is "Dun Expect.. Dun Think.. Dun Care.. and U'll be just FINE!" and maybe things can work out better this way..

Vero said, "someone said that love is blind . but they are wrong . u just choose to not see . =)" and again.. its so true.. like u know, my frenz always tell me.. i understand the whole situation.. but i just refuse to acknowledge sometimes..n when i said..

When u r in a relationship.. sometimes, u r just damn silly.. u try to accomodate.. try to conpromise.. bla bla bla.. in feeling terms, tats becos u love him or her.. and its true.. true from ur heart.. but.. sometimes u knew, u r hurting urself.. and yeah tats is actually the flaw.. u knew but u just choose to not see it..

Love can make u do silly things.. can make u lost ur senses.. can make u lost ur logics.. but, if u think thru again.. u gotta learn to accept the fact.. and dun keep denying what is in front of u..
Cos if u keep doing tat.. it means that u just choose not to see..

Maybe its a gud thing?? yeah i agree to a certain extend.. cos u just want ur loved ones to be happy.. to feel contented.. to patch things up.. n u r willin to take the pain urself.. but how long can this last?? ask urself then..

:)

Mother Earth

Our mother earth is demonstrating..

This morning while having breakie with annie, roy and sriram.. i finally felt the tremors.. i didnt felt anitink last evening cos i was in the car n yeah this morning.. i felt it..

Uhm... i was thinking.. what is realli happening?? i know how much we human beings had hurt our mother earth.. and now.. she is crying...

i read thru some articles abt the quake.. its epicentre is from Jambi.. i wonder, i straight away called ing2.. but she said she was fine.. n yeah think again, His family is in Jambi aso..

I just prayed.. hope that everything is fine... For those affected, may God give them strength..!!

I packed them up

Initially.. i start with taking the ring from my fingers.. it hurts me bad enuff... but all frenz said if i still keep things related to him.. i will never move on..

Last afternoon, i went to IKEA to buy a nice dark purplish box.. n last evening, i started to pack things related to him that are in my room inside the box..

Then i realised, there are so many things of him inside this lil room of mine.. its nt that i wanna throw them away, but for now, i just have to learn to let go.. i guess, he is too moving on very fast and i cant let myself to keep staying at point zero..

While packing, tears run down my cheek so badly but i forced myself to packed them all up.. from devil.. from the dried flowers... from all the photo frame.. the candle stand.. the neklaces, the ring, his clothes, the presents that i bought him but yet able to give him,.. its all packed up in tat box of mine.. After packing, i looked around my room, i know lotsa of things are missing.. but tat should be the way right? :) it pains me for sure.. but i guess, its time for me to take gud care n protect myself from getting hurt nemore rite?

I love him.. heapz.. till this moment.. but.. i know he wun look back at me nemore.. n if i keep looking at things related to him, i guess, i will never able to let it go.. The only thing that still left close to me is my guk2 n the mickey mouse puzzle...

I dun want to keep guk2 in the box.. guk2 realli meant a lot alot for me.. n he is always there listening to me so no reason to put him inside the box.. though its a gift from him but.. guk2 is different..

I realli hope.. i can walk out of this soon.. a memories to be remembered in later days but not now.. i know how i kept those stuff, i will still unable to forget but i guess, it will help me a lil bit..

I realli hope so.. Let me pain in awhile and maybe i have to get thru it d..

Dear God, give me strength yah... :)