:)

Aku ngerasa.. aku difitnah? aku dikhianatin? aku dibackstab?

Aku bobo n nitemare dmana2.. org2 yg aku sayank jadi turn their backs on me... lagian dipikir2 sapo aku ini.. haha..

:)

The storm is over..

Me.. was drunk.. n acccepted a guy who i dun love at all.. wtf am i doin? David came to my place.. when i missed Firman so much.. i cried.. talked abt him to D.. drink..crying while talking all abt him.. n when D said.. "be my girl?" and i said ok.. wtf!!

Anw.. D sent me to office today.. this morning i told him.. my heart is nt with him at all.. my heart is still with firman.. though last nite i said ok but my heart doesnt choose him.. he changed my status in fb.. i let him be.. its just a fb.. wad matters is i know my heart.. he said.. its ok.. sooner or later, he believe, i will love him as well..

And in the noon time.. D was in my office. i was checkin my fb and again he kaypoh.. he looked thru Vero's fb and said something like.. "do u know who is AW?".. then i was like heh.. who is tat? then think n think.. is it Annita Wu? then i asked him.. why leh? he showed me the fb.. n i was ohh..

Reluctantly.. i was on Annita's fb page.. didnt know tat act Firman is close to her now.. ok.. then read on.. i guess Firman is chasin her now.. i dunno.. but looking at "I had a feeling that tonite is a good nite".. i suppose, maybe firman going to ask her to be his girl tonite..

Guess wad.. i was shocked when i get to know this.. realli very shocked.. last july i remembered, while we were playing bowling, i told firman that this gal is cute n pretty.. n now yeah.. there he is so close to her.. i dunno wad else to think..

I didnt know why i msg vero aso.. "koko gi ngejer anitta vero?" n her answer is "Ga tau tuh". Actually.. i know.. vero just dun want to hurt animore feelin.. or maybe she realli dunno..

I cant deny tat it hurts me... i cant deny that my hearts fell into pieces.. first is jesslyn... now is anitta.. but u know wad.. i know.. anitta is a gud n niice gal.. n dunno why i was thinkin, it would be good if she can look after firman actually..

After this.. after tonite.. i think the storm should be over.. n i should see things clearly now.. i love vero.. i love firman.. i love all of them.. how i wish i can have more time with them... but storm is over..

Looking at those who loves me.. i should start flipping my wings and fly again.. i shall just let this love tat i have.. be buried deep inside this heart.. deepest side in this heart... :)

Thank GOD!!!

Dearest God,

Thank u!! I knew.. u wun be so mean to me.. i found my ring! i know u wun abandon me.. Thanks u!!!

Dear God..

Dear God,

I love u.. i know u r always around.. i know u r there listening to my prayer.. i know u love me but God, can u stop taking things that i love away from me? i know u have plan my way for me.. i know aso that u want the best path for me.. but can u pls return me my ring?

Tats the most sacred thing that i had ever have with Him...though i took it out from my lil finger but it doesnt meant i dun want it nemore...its just i dunno how to wear it nemore.. tat ring is something we shared.. something that holds us close.. remember last time he said "he will not take out his ring unless i took out mine first" but God, i took it out cos he took out his.. n it pains me like hell when i took it out from my finger..

Dear God, though i cant be with him nemore.. i want to keep all the memories with him.. I dun have many wishes for now.. i just want this.. can u pls grant me this lil wish of mine? all the gud and bad times i have with him.. i just wanna keep them..

For He is the one who i love and cares about.. and shares my ups and downs for 3.5 years
He who knows how to make me laugh when im down..
He who knows how to make me angry..
He who knows how to appease me when am angry...
He who knows what im thinking even before i speak up my mind..
He who tuck me in everynite to sleep..
He who prays with me..
He who always tells me how much he love me..
He who knows how to dote on me..
He who kisses my forehead before i sleep..
He who tells me "I love u" when i am already asleep..
He who always hug me tite..
He who is always there when i have my nitemare..
He who feed me with porridge when im sick..
He who brings flower for me all the way from KL
He who go around the whole KL to look for the watch that i had long wanted
He who hangs around with my family well.. n being doted by my family heapz
He who plays card with my grandma n loved by her..
He who is always there.. for me..
The list will go on.... but most importantly
FOR HE IS THE ONE.. WHO MEANT EVERYTHING TO ME..

Dear God, see how fantastic this guy is.. u had taken him away from me.. pls dun take away my memories as well.. can u pls let me keep all these memories.. i will be okay.. if u take them away then i will be angry with u God.. so just let me keep them yah..

If u love me God, this is the only thing i had ever asked for now.. I know u love me.. n u wun want to see me cry..

I will be good.. i promised u that.. just let me keep all these memories.. deep inside my heart.. and God, I love u.. i know u will listen to me..

Where is my Ring FA?

I cried this morning.. n till now.. in office.. my eyes are teary.. i dunno whre is my FA? that ring simply meant a lot a lot to me.. last nite i wear it with my neklace.. i used it as a pendant last nite n yeahhh where is it now?

I remembered.. after i was back home last nite, i still put it on my comp desk.. this morning when i woke up.. i wanna wear the necklace but i only see the neklace but not the ring.. i panicked.. i searched my whole room.. every corner of my room!! but i just cant seem to find it.. am pissed and saddened.. where can it be??

i searched for 2 hours.. till am late for work.. but i just dun wanna lost it!! i kept searching and searching.. how can i lose something so precious to me.. i was angry.. was swearing at myself.. was crying while searching.. but i just cant seem to find it..

Im realli sadden..i wanna cry..i wanna curse.. its something even money cant buy now.. its something that cant be replaced by anitink else...

i just want my FA.. FA, can u come back to me? R u trying to tell me something by going missing like that but... can u pls come back to me for now? i dun wanna know.. even if u r trying to tell me something.. i dun wanna know now.. i just want u back..

Dear God.. u already took Him away from me.. pls dun take away my memories with him too.. pls just let me keep it.. let me keep deep in my heart.. i pray to u God.. dun do this to me.. pls gimme back my FA... Pls dun do this to ur Child God.. i will be good but just lemme keep my memories with him... though i cant have him, but i realli dun wish to erase the memories with him..

Beach.. Fireworks.. Candles...

I played fireworks... candles... at the beach earlier on.. i tot it was going to be cancelled cos it was... mendung!! then the kind Pon2 told me to do up a japanese kind of doll and hang it near to the windows and it wun rain... n i did.. hahaha.. dunno why i did it cos i usually dun believe of thing but amazingly it works!!

It doesnt rain at all.. and yeahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh we went to a beach.. play fireworks and candles...n i cant believe i was jumping up and down when its all lite up.. yay!!! all my beloved.. beach, fireworks, candles all in a nite.. was so nice...

But just now.. while am happy.. i cant help to think that it would be so nice if He can be there as well.. but its ok... i had a great nite... shall do this more often!!

I simply loveeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee Beach.. Fireworks... and Candles!!! yay!!!

mommy is back home

mommy just step out of my room.. kissin my forehead and said.. "dada gotta be gud k..." and i hold back my tears.. n once she is out of sight my tears just roll down again.. its me alone in this F*** room again..

aku musti inget

Aku musti inget.. ada banyak org yg sayank ama aku.. banyak yg support aku.. banyak yg temenin aku.. aku musti inget.. Angela kau masi inget itu semua..

Idup dak bole berputer muterin Firman be.. kau masi ada masa depan yg cerah Angela.. dak do Firman kau jg dak bakal ada apo2.. kasi tau dewek kau dak bakal ada apo2 then kau dak bakal apo2..

Inget yo.. masi banyak.. masi banyak yg musti kau buat.. kau dak bole runtuh gara2 begini be.. dak bole! aku dak suka liat Angela yg kek begini.. aku nak liat Angela yg kuat.. kalopun kau nak nak nangis tuh nangis be.. dak do salahna nangis.. nangis be kalo itu bisa bikin kau lebi lega..

Tp Angela.. kau musti inget!! beneren musti inget.. kau musti yg kuat!! musti yg kuat ngela.. pelan2 be tp pasti biso.. aku tau kau sayank ama Firman.. aku tau hati kau sakid tiap ngeliat ato denger namanyo Firman.. tp kau musti kuat..

Dio skrg bae2 be.. kau tau itu.. n kau musti seneng Ngela.. kau mustinyo tenang n live ur life uda.. kalo kau kangen.. bole lah liat poto dio sekale.. tp, musti mendam yo perasaan ini.. karena kau tau.. dio skrg dah bae2 be... n ado senyum di muko dio uda.. jadi kau jg musti seneng..

Angela.. Inget.. One of ur wishes is buat dio seneng.. n bae2 be.. Inget itu Angela!! Angela INGET!!!

Late Assie

This is the first hand.. that Angela didnt hand in her assie in time..

My Entre PCA deadline was last tuesday.. n now i just started writing it.. i didnt know wad i was doin the past few days.. am even thinking, is it becos i knew clearly i cant get my first class honours d.. so no matter how i flunk this last sem.. i will still get my second upper??

But its so silly... i realli didnt know.. wad was on my mind.. wad i had been doin is to go crazy.. keep going out.. keep myself busy outside with frenz.. so as i wun stuck in my room.. but..

This is realli my first time and now.. writing the assie seems to be a torture to me.. i just have to finish it soon.. n in fact, i realli feel very bad nt handing in time.. but just dunno wads wrong with me..

But i have to now!! Entre.. will get u down in a hoour time.. I know i can.. :)

Vierra - Rasa Ini

Today.. i received a song from one of my frenz..

Rasa Ini by Vierra

Ku tak pecaya
kau ada disini
menemaniku
disaat dia pegi

sungguh bahagia
kau ada disiini
mengapus semua
sakid yg kurasa

mungkinkah kau merasakan
semua yg kupasrahkan
kenanglah kasih

---

Kusuka dirinya
mungkin aku sayank
namun apakah mungkin
kau menjadi milikku

kau pernah menjadi
menjadi milikna
namun salahkah aku
bila ku pernah merasa ini..

PS. I dunno wad is goin on thru my mind when i listen to this song.. but i just keep repeating it..

Being honest..

This path tat am walkin on..wun be easy i knw.. But, at least am bein truthful to myself.. N i shall never have any regrets..coz i knw, keep lyin to myself is sumthing tat gets me to nowhere..but exhaustion..

I know i shoulnt love nemore.. i know i shouldnt miss nemore.. but baby.. life is cruel.. nutink can erase feelin this strong.. :)

I never be angrier..

Omg.. im freakin angry now.. why would a girl like this exist?

I tot.. she was kind.. pitiful.. i gave her the attention.. hoping tat she will be fine but she is the one who keeps destroyin my gud names.. n tell tales to people i love.. i hate her.. i never be angrier than this.. but.. enuff is enuff.. am pissed.. !

I Love U..

I promised u.. that i'll never leave u.. though i cant be seen.. but i had never leave u.. u r there..with nobody able to replace your place.. I Love U..

u WERE.. u ARE.. and u WILL always be the one and only.. :)

The Ugly Truth

Anw.. last weekend, i watched the Ugly Truth with Ing and Ko Ahwen at Vivo.. The movie was AWESOME.. laugh ur head off but with substance inside..

Anw, there is this song from the movie that stuck in my mind.. Pocket Full of Sunshine - NB

I got a pocket, got a pocketful of sunshine.
I got a love, and I know that it's all mine.
Oh. Do what you want, but you're never gonna break me.
Sticks and stones are never gonna shake me. No.

Take me away: A secret place. A sweet escape:
Take me away. Take me away to better days.
Take me away: A higher place.

I got a pocket, got a pocketful of sunshine.
I got a love, and I know that it's all mine. Oh.
Wish that you could, but you ain't gonna own me.
Do anything you can to control me.
Oh, no.

Take me away: A secret place. A sweet escape:
Take me away. Take me away to better days.
Take me away: A higher place.

There's a place that I go,
But nobody knows.
Where the rivers flow, And I call it home.
And there's no more lies.
In the darkness, there's light.
And nobody cries.
There's only butterflies.

The sun is on my side.
Take me for a ride.
I smile up to the sky.
I know I'll be all right.

我知道你很難過

Wo zhi dao ni hen nan guo,
Ai yi ge ren shu yao yuen fen,
Ni he ku rang zhi ji yue xian yue shen,
Bie sha de yong ni de tian zhen,
Qu peng chu bu an de ling huen,
Mei yi tian zhi neng zhi zhi de deng.


Ai yi ge ren bie tai ren zhen,
Ni shou shang de yuen shen,
Ling ren xin teng,
Mei you yi ge ren, mei yau li ge ren
Chai neng guo yi sheng,
Ni you he ku bi zhi ji mian dui shang hen,


Wo zhi dao ni hen nan guo,
Gan qing de fu chu bu shi zhen xin jiu hui you jie guo,
Bie wen zhe me zhuo,
Ai chai neng zhang jiu zhe dao li you yi tian ni hui dong,
Wo zhi dao ni hen nan guo,
Zhuo tian shi lian ren jin tian shuo fen shou jiu fen shou,
Bie wen ni de tong, yao zhe me jie tuo,
Duo qing de ren zhu ding, shang de bi jiao jiu.


Ai luo bian cheng le zhi shi nian ye cheng le chi, oh yeah ..... ,
Ye xue xin sui shi ai qing zui mei de yang zhi.

I really hate waking up feeling like this

I realli hate wake up.. feeling like this.. i feel like cursing and swearing..
I feel like crying.. i feel like am devastated with all the thought about u..
With all the thought that we used to have.. all the thought that slap me hard but just cant make me let go..

wad am i thinkin? i keep askin myself.. wad else am i hoping? i dunno.. it hurts so much till it left me breathless for few seconds every morning when i open my eyes.. i remembered i used to wake up so looking forward but now.. i wake up n keep looking backward.. wad am i hoping? to turn back the times? which i clearly know is impossible..

Am tired.. am tired of putting a strong n brave front in front of everybody.. i can.. n i think i will just keep doin it.. cos tats the best thing for me for now right? at least people who loves me.. will not worried abt me for awhile.. but.. me is me.. i cant erase feeling this strong.. feeling that strong that we used to share..

I heard so much.. it pains me even more.. but baby.. why cant i just let go? i told myself a few days back that i should close this chapter d.. i even swore n wrote it in my blog and yeah why am i writing all this now? :) i dunno..

It might be my stubborn self which hold me back.. but everytime i wanna move on.. n let go of u.. i feel the pain even more.. i know am dumb.. but this is love.. i took a quiz yest in facebook..
'How much can u love someone' and u knew.. the answer is: you believe in"loving with eyes closed and with a heart open" thus you r crazy unconditional lover

Am a crazy unconditional lover?? bb.. if u ever think back.. if one day u ever think back.. will u agree with this sentence?? hahaha.. u know its never been easy for our relationship.. but u knew wad.. i always felt as long as i have u with me.. nobody and nothing ever shake me.. n i will be fine.. how hard the situation is.. as long as i have u.. we will be fine.. n u always assured me tat but now baby.. u were the one giving up..

I keep telling myself.. u r so much happier now ... u lead a gud life now.. much better life without me around... n i should be happy.. cos tats one of my wishes rite? :) i will try to accept the fact.. maybe nt now but i will try to yah... give me more time i guess..

Anw... D asked me last nite.. wad will i do if one day u look for me again? b.. will u? :) i realli dun think so.. i realli never expect that also.. cos i dunno wad wrong had i done.. till u did this to me.. till u hate me so much that u wanna cut everything off me and ... i realli dun think u will find me back.. even just as a friend..

I miss u.. am sorry.. i just wanna be frank with myself in this lil blog of mine.. cry my heart out.. here.. i miss u bb.. n i hope u r doin great.. :)

I miss u again

I miss u terribly b today... terribly.. how have u been? im doing well.. :)

I UNDERSTAND BUT I JUST REFUSE TO ACKNOWLEDGE!!!

Sister.. ><

The woman I call sister
Is someone who is there
The woman I call sister
Is someone who always cares.

The woman I call sister
Can make me smile when times are blue
The woman I call sister
Is someone very true.

The woman I call sister
By choice, is my best of friend
The woman I call sister
Will be there till the end

The woman I call sister
Is the blessing from God above
The woman I call sister
Is the sister that I'll always love.

- A poem by my lil Dd Pen.. It realli brightens up my day- Thanks Dd!!!

The cruel.. ugly.. lies..

I hate u.. i hate to say i hate u but i hate u.. u broke my heart into pieces with no doubts.. n while am shattering here.. u r having all the fun u can have there.. i hate u..

Why do u need to lie to me? wad wrong had i done? r u sick of me? if tats the case then just let me know.. why still said things so beautiful last time? just to play me.. call me dumb for believing in u.. call me stupid for lovin u till it hurts so much till now...

I always wanna believe in u.. but y? u r dumping me like rubbish now.. am i just a rubbish for u?
Hahaha.. there wun be animore tears for u.. i promise u tat..

D was here with me.. its nice to have somebody to dote on me.. to care n to love me.. i know i wouldnt accept him for now.. cos my heart is still with u.. but one day.. the ugly lie.. the cruel lie will slap me to move on.. n maybe tats the day, i will say 'i love u' to D.

U hurt me bad enuff.. realli veri bad.. i dun wanna believe but tats the fact.. no point keep deceiving myself.. am tired of it.. last time Hardy used to tell me tales abt u.. n been thruu 3.5 years, i tot u wun be lidat but.. i was wrong.. n maybe hardy is right.. call me dumb k.. im realli dumb for believing.. for giving so much.. for loving u so much.. am dumb.. but i knew..my love for u is true.. from the start till now.. its so true that i tot.. u will be the last one..

initially, i tot i failed for being ur gud gal.. but now.. no more self reproaching.. i did wad i can do.. my best.. to protect u.. to care for u.. to love u.. n to give the best for u.. i realli did it.. i didnt mind how tired i gonna be.. all i ever ask for is a smile .. laugter from u after a tiring day at work.. but... :)

Now.. let me say 'I love u' for the last time.. n i shall close this chapter d.. Its realli too painful for me.. too much for me to take it animore... nt tat i dun love u nemore n D is here.. but.. its realli too painful.. i sincerely hope.. u will spend more time with ur family.. they all love u especially ur mom.. pls dun let her down again... pls dun let people who loved u down again.. i will keep u in my prayer everinite.. that u will be good n fine..

I love u bb.. :)

Why?

Why is it so hard to be me? i just wanna be good.. but am so tired now.. realli am..

i wish i can go to a far away place.. all alone.. n be good by myself.. im tired...

The Ugly Truth

Recently, i saw a lot of my loved ones getting hurt.. me, vero, pen, andy, fika, howard..it pains me like hell... especially vero... i had seen her nick.. her status in fb and it realli pains me.. though sometimes, i wanted so much to talk to her.. but, i refrained myself to.. cos.. i dunno how to start.. i love her.. she is just like a lil sis to me but.. considering the relationship i have with her brother now.. i dunno how to start.. sometimes i would just msg her.. vero jia you.. vero sabar yah.. vero yg kuat yah.. n tats all..

n pen as well.. pen had been a gud bro to me.. but cos of Him..or maybe cos of myself.. i cant bring myself to talk to him nemore.. sometimes, i realli wish, we can talk like last time.. together with vero .. joking but.. looking at the situation now.. i dun think it would be possible..

N.. cos of tat,.. i believe, i didnt just lose Him but also lose my beloved sis n bro.. though sometimes, vero will still say, its ok.. u r still cc wad.. but.. wad happen if He realli has a new gf d? i bet his new gf wun be happy..

I miss all of them so much.. there are times, when i just follow quietly on their fb.. trying to figure out how are they doin.. n i hope one day, one day i can talk to them again cos they are realli my loved ones..

Cc is sorry.. n cc does love all of u.. n i miss u guys.. undoubtedly.. Thanks for everything..

i should see it coming rite?

:) y am i so silly? i should see it coming rite?

but here i am.. lyin alone on a strange bed.. weak n sick n still miss u like nutz.. am i crazy or i just lost my mind.. :)

09.09.09

This morning.. at 09.09am on 09.09.09, i received a call from D.. the first thing he ask is.. "can u be my girl".. i was stunned and speechless for awhile.. I tot i had made it very clear to him that now is realli nt the time.. n i tot he understood..cos these last few days.. he talked like normal with me..

But finally, i told him.. "D, sorry.. but my heart do not choose u for now.." and then he was quiet for sometimes.. n he said tat is the thing he likes abt me.. that i have my own standpoint and i will not anyhow accept the guy.. as in im very faithful to my loved one.. but.. the saddest thing is, my loved one dont even bother abt me nemore..

Sometimes, am thinking.. wth am i thinkin?? isnt tat obvious that the one i love does not care abt me nemore.. n does nt wish to relate with me nemore... though sometimes, i miss him like hell.. but.. is there any use??

If D is the one God send to revive me.. y cant i just open my heart for him? i dunno.. i wish i can cos D is realli very nice.. but.. my heart realli do not chose him.. n i hope.. i didnt hurt him too much.. n if one day... he move away..i think i deserve it.. cos i had been so harsh to him.. n no way i can ever say i regret..

I just hope D can understand.. that im nt a gud gal for him... cos, for now, im still in love with someone who dun care abt me nemore maybe.. someone who dun even look back a lil at me.. but, i know im silly.. he is still there deep in my heart..

D said he will wait.. but wad is the point right?? maybe one day i will fall for him?? but i guess its nt tat easy for my heart to get him to replace him.. cos.. we had been thru so much.. and i didnt know wad wrong i made till i deserve such a punishment from him.. but.. yeah i will be fine..

And now here i am.. having extreme headache.. in the midst of my assie and workload.. its realli very stressful... and i do hope.. i can do it all well.. n i believe i can.. just need a lil bit more determination and im gud..

Im sorry d.. i know u had plan this thoughtfully and i just cant give u a clear answer.. n am sorry..

I miss u...

Bb.. am missin u very very badly now.. i know i should not.. but sometimes its realli tiring to keep lyin to myself..

I miss u... more than ever.. im sorry..

There will always be sunshine after the rain..

This morning.. i woke up with a nitemare.. but soon after D sent me a pic of sunshine from where he is now.. and soon after, i received a sms from Ray tat his baby girl is born.. See!! Its amazing isnt it?? and it realli helps to brighten up my day..

But in noon time, somebody told me tat my lil bro Pen, cut his hands with cutter.. i realli dunno wad is goin on but it pains me so much to hear tat.. i saw his fb had been so emo.. but i dun dare to ask him nitink.. am scared he will pressurised again talkin to me..

Sooooooooo.. i decided to just drop him a msg in fb.. n he replied!! im glad he did.. n he told me, tat he did something bad, n tat everybody might call him a fool.. :( Its so like me previously huh.. rather feel the pain physically rather than mentally.. but... i believe he is better now.. he said.. "i just need somemtimes to recover" and i realli trust that he can do that for still,... he is my beloved lil brother..

I realli wish he will be fine.. n i realli hope, the next time i see him.. he will be the cheerful and Xmangad Pen again..

Happy Birthday Daddy

Today is my Daddy birthday.. but instead of giving him a presie n surprise.. i made him worried n i realli feel very bad about it... Here is a lil convie with my Daddy this morning...

Me: Daddy.. Happy Birthday!!
Daddy: Girl.. Wads wrong with u.. y so late then u call Daddy? Usually u will call me at 12 midnite.
Me: Heh.. sorry i was sleeping d... (Feeling guilty)
Daddy: u sure?? Wads wrong with my lil princess? Y u nv talk to Daddy nemore..
Me: Uhmmm
Daddy: Wads wrong? Its my bdae today..
Me: Daddy.. Firman n I are no longer together..

PAUSE

Daddy: Since when?
Me: Mid last month
Daddy: n u never tell anione... ? u bear it alone?
Me: Got.. mommy, hia n cece know

PAUSE

Daddy: Why so sudden? Did u guys have lotsa of probz?
Me: Uhm.. he just said he wants his freedom..
Daddy: What freedom?? u r in sg and he is in Malaysia?? not enuff freedom?
Me: Daddy.. ok lah.. let it be.. :)
Daddy: Uhmm.. r u okay gal? u r daddy princess.. u always look tough outside but u r realli soft inside.. r u okay? be honest with daddy..
Me: Daddy.. am okay.. just a lil bit hurt now n then.. but am okay d.. :) (Tears Rushing Down)

PAUSE

Daddy: So.. wad is ur plan now?
Me: nutink loh.. work loh.. study loh
Daddy: Wanna go overseas for a short break? when is ur study finishing?
Me: November
Daddy: Wanna take a break first? then take MBA at OZ?
Me: uhhhhmmmm.... but i still gotta work..
Daddy: U need a break i guess... go do up ur proposal k.. show daddy ur MBA plan...
Me: Ok..
Daddy: If he is like that now... he will do the same in the future.. maybe its gud tat u know now rather than we u got married n things happen.. n stop crying now!!!
Me: Daddy.. ok.. but i realli tot he will be the one d.. n yeah had been thru 3.5 years together.. how can i just let go like tat?? (Cry Cry)
Daddy: Daddy knows.. but if he dun cherish u.. u cry also no use right? dah dah dun cry nemore.. u scared nobody wants u meh... my daughter cant be so weak...
Me: Yeah i know.. got lah but.. i still love Firman...

PAUSE

Daddy: Dun lidat k.. Daddy's daughter is not lidat... Daddy daughter is so capable.. good grades.. good career.. cant just be down cos of a guy...
Me: (Crying)
Daddy: Dun cry nemore.. Daddy always think tat u r the most wonderful princess Daddy ever have.. Sorry Daddy cant be there with u now.. but trust Daddy.. if he can do this to u now.. n if he realli loves u.. he will look for u back..
Me: But Daddy.. am i wrong?? am i nt pretty enuff for him?? am i nt gud enuff for him?
Daddy: Of cos.. u might nt be perfect.. n u might have ur own weaknesses as well.. but Daddy can see that u realli love him.. n if He realli loves u.. he will just accept the way u r..
Me: (Sobbing)

PAUSE

Daddy: Dun lidat.. Akui's daughter never been like this before..
Me: But Akui's daughter is also human being..
Daddy: Yeap Daddy know its hard.. but, dun let Daddy down k.. u know Daddy always have high hope on u.. n Daddy always believe that u can do it...
Me: Yeah i know..
Daddy: Daddy loves u..
Me: Dadaaa loves Daddy too...

PAUSE

Daddy: Be good k.. anitink give Daddy a call..
Me: Ok.. Thanks Daddy
Daddy: Tha Tha
Me: Thaa Daddy

Such a lil convie.. but it meant a trillion to me.. I love u Daddy.. i will be good.. this i promise u.. n it will be ur bdae present from ur lil princess...

Sadly.. i realli miss u badly..

I know.. its dumb of me to feel this way.. but yeah.. am here missin u badly.. i dunno why, but im realli missing u badly.. tears run down my cheek but i know i will be fine..

I dreamt of u huggin me.. n i miss u okay... miss hearing ur voice.. miss ur hugz.. etc.. i know am dumb to feel this way.. but... just lemme miss u for fews secs k.. n will be fine again..

How are u lately?? :)

fika n ken2

erm.. y ?? i keep receivin bad news.. Fika told me.. "La, gw jg dah putus" n i was shocked..

Fika n Ken2 was so sweet.. n i knew Ken2 just back to Indo for Good last month.. but how can things change so fast... haiz.. i realli dunno what is happening to people around me..

Am shocked.. i just hope.. Fika is fine.. will meet her up soon for coffee... :)

What is with the 20 September??

OMG.. i received a sms said i will received a surprise on 20 september.. i dunno how to tell u!! but i guess i told u too many times before.. now its realli nt the time... i cant.. i realli cant so pls dun do anitink dumb.. n do sumthing funny n make me angrier..

If u still wanna see me.. i hope u realli can understand.. now is realli nt the time yet.. :)

Why?

I woke up n check up my FB.. i saw C posting some pictures in fb.. and.. am speechless.. i realli just hope H wun see those pictures which i know its impossible..

Im worried for H..i guess he will be so shattered with the pictures..maybe to others..those pics realli means nutink but i guess for H, it wun be nutink.. cos i know, if i saw those pic, i will be shattered to pieces as well..

i realli dunno.. wad is becoming of this world.. y would people keep hurting those who love them?? does it feels gud?? maybe it realli does tats y people keep doin it..

H.. pls be strong!! i knew its hard.. but yeah.. pls be strong!!

Never Sleep Nite

Just now this morning.. i shared with u guys abt the dream right?? it realli left me breathless for awhile!!! but.. soon i received a call.. for a hang out at one of fren place..

So around 3am or 4am.. i was at my frenz place.. playing cards.. cam whoring.. monopoly and guess wad!! soccer match.... hahaha.. all these are crazy... can u imagine i sneak out of the house after having such a bad dream.. but im glad.. it make me breathe again.. hahaha..

I watched the Argen n Brazil match.. in fact.. i actually dun realli understand the match.. all the players looks the same to mee.. n suddenly someone said.. leooooooooo messi go!!!!!! then i was like... ohhhhhhh there is leo messi inside.. hahaha so i just kept lookin at him throughout the match.. I never tot watching soccer can be so fun.. haha.. with so much screaming n haiz-in.. it was realli such a pleasant experience..

I used to think that, its dumb to watch a soccer match.. after all its just 22 guys whoo looks similiar chasing after a small soccer ball.. but.. hahaha it is fun actually! i cant believe i said this but yeahhh its true...

N Now guess wad.. OMG.. I look like a PANDA now!! hahaha...u Evil.. NO MORE 'cards, monopoly, cam whoring, soccer' ---> NEVER Sleep Nite nemore!!

he is gone too soon.. and u come too fast...

OMG.. can u believe it?? i dreamt of sumthing last nite..The dream was so real tat it left me breathless for awhile...


I hate waking up and feel like this.. God, can u pls stop all these dreams??? i wanna wake up in the morning feeling refreshed.. !!

Okay.. lemme share the dream.. i was out cafeing with Him and his frenz in one of the new cafe called 'my cafe' if am nt wrong.. was out chilling n stuff.. took lotsa of pictures.. thennnnnnnnnnnn... suddenly he pushed me away.. n hug another gal... n i was like.. okay.. walk out the cafe, take my stuff and come back to sg.. then.. a few days after.. when i am walking home from home, suddenly there is this someone who hug me from behind veri titely... i dunno who the person is.. cos, the dream is quite blur here..n he just said something.. "Sorry but i really do love u"

Then the dream is cut intooooo another scene.. its weird tat people can have so many scenes in just a dream yeah.. but sometimes there realli is..

Another scene is.. David in the picture.. we were out hanging out with the rest of course.. we were at Jewel box if am nt wrong.. the view was fantastic.. the food is fantastic.. but at that moment, it reminds me of HIM.. when we went to Sentosa..taking cable cars and stuff.. but.. yeah.. then everyone start behaving strangely while im just sitting down there near to theeeeee rear and looking at the view.. suddenly.. all of them walked away.. said they go buy something.. so i tot ok.. since i think i was emoing aso in the dream.. thennnnnnnnnnnnnn... suddenly some fireworks appear right in front of my eyes.. n david pop the question.. "can i look after u from now on?" and i just sit there saying nutink lookin at the fireworks...

OMG... wad kind of dream is this right??? one scene, i was deserted and another scene, i was taken care of... but from yest... i had been asking myself.. am i ready yet?? n now maybe i know the answer.. after the dream.. it make me realised tat someone live in my heart still...n i guess.. it wun be easy for him to be replaced by others..

Feels bad..

Uhmm.. i feel bad cos i cant be there for ur bdae.. U had been askin me over so many times.. it realli made me feels that am being appreciated but.. ur party is on Sunday nite.. will tires me out cos the next day i got to work again..

Anyway bro.. though i cant be there physically!!! i realli wish u can have a blast bdae!! I know how important bdae is to u.. so yeahh njoy ur BDAE!!! and another thing.. the reason i cant be there coss.. i dun want Him to think tat u betray him or anitink.. i dun want u to be sandwich.. yeah.. so have a blast bdae bro!!!

am wishing u a very very happy bdae!!! n wish all ur dreamz come true!! n i promise u.. i will be there for ur next bdae!!! n u will see me smile like before again.. :P

sick

I slept like.. 9pm last nite? ahahha surprised??? nahhh dun be.. am just nt feelin well.. this morning my nose bleed.. like it always happen.. the doctor said.. u gotta go another laser.. n i sick of hearing tat.. in my heart am thinking.. how many laser do u want me to do in just half a year???? i had done 2.. n if i do again,, its like the 3rd time?? Omg...


However, i slept early last nite... today i woke up with high fever n nose bleed again.. haha.. Mel said.. cos i cried too much.. rub my nose too much till i damage my vessels.. but.... is it realli true?? am even thinkin is it becos of my boo.. cos my nose is sensitive and my boo' calming smell disturb the vessels????? uhmmm.. dunno.. maybe i shall stop using my boo for awhile and observe how it goes.. if its realli my boo then i shall be very upset.. hiks!! cos he realli accompanied me to sleep.. so well.. as if am hypnotise.. hehehe..


Yeah anw.. its weekend.. no work.. but school starting again next week.. damn damn sianz!! but hey!! gotta jia you.. one last time n hell im free! hehehe so better buck up! have a nice weekend peeps... !!

Simple love that turns everything so complicated

This morning.. i wake up with a heavy feel.. damn it!! one of my frenz is breakin down again.. and i totally can understand how he felt.. but i cant say much to comfort him cos i guess am in the same position as him..

I dunno why things can turn out so bad.. so many bully... arrgghh i hate it n im realli pek cek to see how people get hurt like that.. others might nt know wad is goin on.. or maybe might think negatively but..!!!! i realised..

Sometimes.. its just a simple love that makes thing complicated..

WHY?? in fact we just simply wanna love the one we love.. just simply wanna care for them.. but sometimes they read too much n things can become so complicated.. i realli hate the word LOVE now.. everytime u care for him or her.. u will just end up getting hurt! wth is wrong with this world.. n the funny thing is when people is getting close.. people dunno that these guys are all talking abt him.. worried abt him.. caring abt him.. n nt at all to lowered him down.. wtf!!!

And another thing is.. for someone who knew me 3.5 years to say things that doesnt make sense also make me pek cek.. i dun feel anitink nemore.. am numb and its realli up to him to say wadever things he wanna say abt me.. for always, am just a lil low gal for him.. am numb..

I dun deny i still care for him.. i dun deny i will still miss him.. all these i cant deny.. thoughh i said yeah fuck it i dun care nemore but i knew deep down my heart He is still there but wad is the point??? no point at all.. but yeahhh i wun cry nemore.. i wun be sadden nemore.. just enuf to hear n yeah.. so be it... n sometimes, its nt me who wanna hear it but ppl just keep tellin me stuff!!! n realli.. am sick of all this.. all the bad thought.. all the negative thoughts... i hate it bt he is always there!!!

In fact.. i saw his pic yest... by one of his frenz.. he looks so charming over there.. and in fact, i felt that i fell all over again for him... AGAIN!!! but deep down my heart knew.. its okay.. just look at the pic and yeahhhh flip it tru and carry on.. and i did it... i left the 'miss him' feeling there for half an hour but yeah.. go away d..

i dun wanna know anitink more.. i wanna protect myself from getting hurt.. i will love u still.. tat thing i cant deny.. maybe from far.. buried deep in my heart.. but im sure i will walk on and find my rainbow again..

Peace out!!!

Booo

I get myself a aromatherapy and i named it boo.. it surely helps me to sleep better.. the calming n relaxing feeling.. i love it.. love u boo!!!

Numb

Numb is the most scary thing that i had ever encountered..Some friends gave me different meaning of numb but..

These days, i tried to numb myself from lotsa of things.. so as i dun get hurt even more... Forcing myself to do things tat i dun want... to think of the things that hurts... to look at old pictures one more time.. Many people will think tat its self torturing but.. i guess tat is how i can see the reality..

I might be dumb all these while.. loving and believing.. even when i hurt like hell, i still wanna believe and in the end, its all lies and nonsense that i had been getting.. Life realli never feel so painful before.. but.. hey, i guess am awake..

Though, i still sleep with tears.. n heart is still aching but yeah.. i can still sleep eventually.. and i guess, by numbing myself more.. i will soon have no hurts.. but!!! numbing is dangerous cos i dunno what it might turn me into.. maybe to a better person or.. i might just lose myself again... i dunno..

Wadever it is.. i cant do much but to numb myself...Keep on numbing myself..