....

I think.. am in somekind of situation now.. Uhm.. D and Hendri had been acting very weird..
I realised, D had been quiet for the past few days and i thought is because that he is still pissed off over what had happened last weekend. Then, here comes Hendri who is starting to care so much abt me... and again initially, i thought is because he just care as a fren, seeing how depressed i was last weekend...

Then today, Hendri signed up a plurk,...am not surprise because he had been saying that for the longest time. but his plurk is starting to get me confuse..n then D's plurk aso..D said sumthing like.. how does it feel if you and your best pal fall for the same gal?
I asked Hen but he doesnt want to tell me as well.. wth.. am confused..I think.. maybe.. Hen and D fall for me at the same time?Im confused...

I know abt D.. but Hendri? since when? he has been the jayus guy ever.. who always like to tease me when i pose for picture but why the hell?I dunno wad is going on.. it might just be my thought and seriously..i realli hope that its nt happening...D himself is already hard for me to deal with.. pls dun add another hen.. why cant we just be frenz.. cos they know, my mind is still with firman..

n yeah.. last nite, i broke down to tear tears again.. i saw this pic of firman n frenz.. have vero, amek, selwyn, anita in the pic. n guess wad, firman was wearing a formal shirt which i later found out from vero is becos, its a wedding mass.. seeing him doing so well, so handsome, n be in the church again.. i thought i should be happy.. but i dunno why i broke into tears and cry again... maybe cos, anita is inside? or is it becos, i feel useless cos since last time, i cant get him to church? Asking to church is like forcing him to die? i dunno...

Like i said before, i told myself zillion times that i should be happy that he is happy now.. but my heart is in painful state.. cos i know, im nt the one who makes him happy.. i broke down.. realli broke down to tears.. webcaming with nenek, cried like a mad dog.. but yeah... its painful..

Life had been so confusing for me right now.. i wish, i can be stronger.. i realli wish.. maybe, i should just delete my fb.. delete my plurk.. becos, its one of the source of my confusion.. like the picture? it just happened to show up in my fb live feeds.. and yeah it brought me down.. I dunno,.. i think i should just pull myself up again..

Anw, Vero told me, she is not moving on as well.. when i thought she is okay d.. she plurked me and said.. she is not as well.. n it strucked me.. but wadever it is.. i hope she is fine... with amek n firman looking after her there, i guess she should be doing okay.. i know it must be hard for her as well.. imagine, you flip thru someone u love' fb and see him hugging another gal? i think i will go berzerk.. but have faith lil sis.. i know u can do it.. we both jia you to get over thru this together... *hugz*

Logic VS Heart

Dearest God,
Since last weekend, i had been letting my hearts take over my head again..
Im wondering.. am i such a weakling?
I see how my friends... moved on with their life after the break up..
They are doing good.. some of them even found themselves new partners d..
And some of them are even younger than me.. Take for example, vero?
And somehow or rather.. i feel ashamed of myself..

There are times when i look at myself and think am getting better each day..
Am getting prettier, i have more friends now, i have many activities nowadays... and am closer to God now..
And thats is it when i think straight cleverly with my LOGIC…

But.. if my HEART happens to pop into the picture,
again all the thought of getting better are just lies...
and i will let thought about Firman comes in all over me again...and tears will just drop again..

Am thinking, how to prevent my heart from winning over my head?
Is there any way? i used to think that am smart in my many ways..
In fact, I think I am.. in terms of career and studies, am pretty confident that am smart..
But!!!! When it comes to relationship matters, i sucks to the max... realli..

These 3 days, after the long ride, i had been immersing in thoughts that i cant explain..
I talked to my 2 cousins.. nenek n nonik and they are angry with me..
But I knew, deep down, they do understand what I had been going thru..
They scolded me.. pissed off with me cos of my stubborn self..
I guess it’s the same when David n Gang pissed off with me during the long ride..

I dunno how Firman is doin now.. Is he doing good? Is he with Anita d?
Im scared.. actually am scared.. wad will happen to me if they are really together d?
Will I be able to take it? I dunno.. I had been askin myself this question.. many2 times..

Sometimes, I try to console myself by saying.. Its ok.. Anita is a gud gal, and yeah Firman is in good hands… and I shall be happy for them if they really got together… I tried to convinced myself.. Over a million times, trillion times, zillion times that I should be happy.. cos one of my wishes since then is to see him happy.. but keep that consoling aside, can I really accept it?

Many many people tells me.. dun need to know about Firman d.. just treat as if he is dead… Even when people tell me things about him, dun listen as well… then I wun be hurt and keep thinking about him. But the fact is, even when nobody tells me about him… when I heard no news about him.. he is always there.. deep in my heart.. How I wanna pretend that he is not there, but the fact is he is there…

In my prayer everynite.. every morning.. he is always been part of it.. I remembered Cha2 said.."Ya ampun ciiiiiiiii... cici masi doain si Firman?"
and i just smiled at her.. i think, cha2 might think that am the dumb girl.. but i know she is a nice gal.. someone so genuine.. so sincere..and i enjoy talking to her..
Though sometimes, she is blak2an.. but she is a lil angel.. and innocent gal... she is just like a lil sis like Vero...

Lotsa people aso tell me that, there are many other guys who are much better than Firman.. and i shouldn’t be blinded just looking at Firman and forsake
those who are around me... Many people tell me that i deserve someone better... someone who really know how to cherish me.. and there are these people who appears in my life now.. a few of them actually.. but i just cant seem to open my heart to them...

Dearest God,
What is your plan for me? I believe you have a plan for me.. can i just move on like how Firman did?
Sometimes I wonder how he can just forget me so fast.. and move on so fast? But I guess, I will never get the answer..

One side of me, I wish i can hate him.. and maybe it will be easier for me to let go of him..
But Dearest God, you taught me not to hate... im puzzled..

And on another side of me.. Im actually thankful to him... for all the beautiful memories.. that I’m still in love with him..
and maybe that’s the reason why im still holding back..

Sometimes, i do think, should i just broke down these walls that i had been building these months?
Should i just accept someone new in my life.. and maybe it will help me to forget about Firman?
But should it be that way? These people who wanna love me and care for me.. will i just be making use of them to forget Firman..
I thought.. tats the very salah way.. but, many people said, sometimes, it does help...

I just hope.. and pray hard that.. I will be okay God.. i know i will.. cos i know that you have ur plans in me..
Maybe i just haven see it.. maybe i just haven understand..

Lead me thru this God.. lead me to the best plan that you have for me.. cos in Your hands.. I lie my live..

The long ride..

I let my dumb mind gotten over me again.. OK yeah again!! I know its silly.. i know am being dumb.. but there are times when i cant control this feeling that i feel inside.. i was angry with myself.. i tried to study so hard.. had been in front of the book for the longest time but i flipped back my book and just cry.. cos nutink realli gets into my mind.. and im angry with myself.. i cursed and sweared.. Ok, i know am being immature, but.. can someone know how am i feeling inside? I used to be so capable.. to learn things very fast but now?? I tried so hard and yet nutink can come into my brain cos of my stupid mindd...

I felt that am the dumbest gal in the world.. realli the dumbest.. i asked myself.. what is the point of crying? it just got me tired.. and nutink will ever change.. nutink.. not even a single lil thing will change..

Then i asked D for a fast drive.. a ride.. he had been looking for me for whole day but, i didnt pick up his call or reply to his sms.. and his skype is off.. so when i plurked, he replied me instantly.. he knew that something happened to me by my plurk? we argued.. but he still come eventually with hendri and nicko. .

I knew he was pissed when he saw me.. bcos, he didnt say a word when i got into the car.. then hendri told me to go up and get my passport.. so i did.. i didnt know, wads wrong.. its the first time, i saw D didnt bother to look at me at all.. and when i got back into the car, D just drove off without asking me where i wanna go.. so am puzzled, i looked at hendri and nicko.. they too cant give me any answer.. n just shake their heads.

Ok.. then i cried silently cos its been so awkward.. then i realised, we are heading towards immigration and i was like!! What!! where the hell are we going.. so i asked D nicely.. "D, where are we going?" and D just replied with a forced smile.. The rest seems to know where we are heading but no one told me..

Once cleared the Malaysia custom, and after half an hour ride.. there i was still crying.. D blast off his audio and i was immersed in my own thought and D suddenly speed very fast and am shocked.. D said' u need a fast drive rite?" now i gave u.. Then, i looked at hendri and nicko.. Hendri just said.."loe kale ini beneren bikin dia dah gila".. and i was...

Then i dun even care.. i keep crying and immersed in my own thought.. i didnt knw wth i was thinking.. then Nicko suddenly said.."Loe mo ke KL ga.. kalo mau skrg juga.. abisin semuanya.."
Then i shook my head.. D was angry.. He stopped his car and dragged me out of the car. Then we both talked outside.. while hendri and nicko still in the car..

D asked, do i want to go KL? Meet firman and finished off everything.. he can dun go up to mentari with me.. but let hendri or nicko to accompany me up cos he knew he wun be able to control his temper if he happens to see firman.. I contemplated for awhile.. n i didnt give him any answer..

Then back in the car, i can see that we are on highway ... heading towards Melaka KL.. suddenly, i told D, nope.. i wanna go home.. am tired.. then Hendri said.. "Serius? yakin? kita org dah disini.. kalo mau beresin skrg juga.. loe mo mpe kapan kek begini trus?" then i said yeah i just wanna go home..

The whole ride.. i was crying.. i didnt know wads wrong with me.. its like some devil gotten inside me.. i miss firman.. though in the car, beside of me there is this guy who loves me.. but, i cant look at him at all.. my whole thought is all about firman.. but i do know.. D is angry with me.. cos i guess i had been making him worried..

Now.. am back at home after almost 5 hours of ride.. am tired.. i need some sleep.. i hope i can wake up fresh and steady and go for my exam.. i wanted a ride and it was given so there is nutink to complain nemore..

I see David's plurk now.. tat he is worried about me.. and he wonders whether its ok to leave me alone in my room rite now... i dunno wad to say.. i know he was angry.. cos im emo again.. tats y he didnt want to talk to me.. but now, i shall just go to sleep and hopes tat everything would be okay when i wakes up..

Wadever it is.. Thanks for the long ride.. and the accompany.. D, Hendri and Nick.. :)

Am angry.. at myself..

IM ANGRY WITH MYSELF.. AM ANGRY WITH MY DUMB SELF.. AM ANGRY WITH EVERYTHING THAT I HAD DONE.. AM ANGRY!!!

WHY DID I ALLOW MYSELF TO CRY AGAIN.. AM ANGRY.. ANGELA, TOMORROW IS EXAM.. CAN U JUST WAKE UP UR MIND AND FOCUS ON UR STUDIES? DO U WANNA DO BADLY AGAIN!! DO U!!!

WHAT IS THE USE OF YOU MISSING HIM NOW!! WAD IS THE USE? WILL HE KNOW? WILL HE EVEN BOTHER AT ALL ANGELA!! WHY CANT U JUST LET GO!!!!!! DAMN!

HOW MANY TIMES HAVE YOU BEEN TELLING YOURSELF!!! ITS TIME TO LET GO!! HOW MANY TIMES HAVE YOU TELL OTHERS THAT YOU ARE ALREADY OKAY!! YOU ARE COWARD ANGELA...!!! DAMN COWARD!!!!

I HATE YOU ANGELA! I HATE THE CURRENT YOU!! I WISH YOU ARE DEAD.. I HATE YOU!!! I HATE THE WEAKLING ANGELA!!! JUST ROT WADEVER YOU WANT!!

U KNOW URSELF THAT U CANT BRING HIM BACK.. U KNOW URSELF THAT HIS HEART IS NO LONGER WITH YOU.. U KNOW YOURSELF THAT HE DUN CARE ABT YOU NEMORE.. WHY CANT U JUST LET GO!!!!!!

YOU LIKE TO CRY RITE!! CRY CRY ALL YOU WANT.. CRY TILL U R TIRED ASO NOBODY WILL KNOW...

ANGELA.. U R JUST WEAKLING.. NO USE OF YOU TO KEEP LOVING.. WAKE UP!!!! DO U NEED SOMEONE TO SLAP YOU THEN U WANNA WAKE UP? U WANT? PLS DUN BE DUMB.. I HATE U ANGELA!!!

If only..

I hate the EMO me in the morning..

I woke up.. feeling unwell.. i vomitted again.. i dunno wad is F***in wrong with me.. and i cried.. i dunno why the hell am feeling all this when i know exam is tomorrow and i know there is no time for me to waste animore!!!!!

I hate the EMO me in the morning.. i hate it!!!! i realli hate it!!! N yeah.. i dreamt of you B last nite.. i dreamt that we hugged n kissed and come on!! its just a stupid dumb dream... why it gets me emo again!!!!! I HATE IT!!!!

Now here i am feeling unwell in my tummy and my head is spinning like hell ... and to add on ur shadow is back in my room again!!! why the hell!!!! im suppose to have full concentration on my studies today!!!

I hope.. after this grumbling here.. am back on track.. i realli need to study..

Dearest God,
Pls pls take away the emo n poor health in me now.. i need it badly now.. i need the full concentration on my studies...

My Results..

Now.. officially i can say gudbye to my first class honours.. am saddened.. but i know its expected.. how can someone get gud grades when she is not studying at all?

I let my mind get over myself too much... and there is nothing much i can do now.. accept the fact and say bye to the first class honours..

am sorry daddy.. am sorry mommy.. i lost the first class honours that i promised u.. cos of my stupid and confused mind getting all over me at that time..

and.. am sorry too Firman.. i lost my first class honours that i promised..

There should be no regret cos its my own doing.. but i guess 2nd upper is not that bad yeah? :)